I never had more than a small talk conversation with him. There was something about him. I was attracted to him, not specifically physically, in fact I thought he was somewhat handsome, but not strikingly so. Our eyes met several times. Something about him intrigued me. I didn't know what it was.
He was always very respectful. He never treated me like less than a Dr. or acted in a way that some Dr.s do act, as though they are above you. He was not like this at all. He seemed, and I don't know if I would have said this before I knew, but somehow "sad", but "sad" isn't really the word. I thought he may have been Gay, I didn't know. He wore no ring. There was something I felt for him though, and I never knew what and will never know why. A strange affinity.
Today I found out that he jumped out of the 17th floor window of his office at the hospital and committed suicide. Friends said he had been depressed. Apparently there was a disagreement at the hospital, something about him wanting to take another position but them not letting him out of his contract, the rumors are flying, supposedly he walked out of a meeting and right into his office and jumped right out the window. I'll never know any details, I just feel so sad though, and I supposed it's narcissistic, but I feel somehow uncomfortable that I did not get to know him better, that he did not talk to me.
I wanted to know him. I wish I had known him. He was a Dr. I thought he was older than me but as it turns out he was 4 years younger than me.
I can't help thinking that there is a relationship missed.
He was shy and quiet, they say. I wouldn't have known. There was something there. Something, perhaps a potential for a friendship, for him to be alive still... I have been very depressed in my life. I am shocked that someone would do this. How easy it is, to fall out a window, to step in front of a bus, or a train, an accident and a split second....
I feel really bad and really regretful and every single person you see or are around and you feel like you want to know about this person, there was something there... I almost feel guilty for inactivity when I felt...
I'm sorry I didn't just go out of my way to say hello just one more time.... I don't know why I feel this way.... I was recently very depressed, and I come from a lifetime of depression, much much worse than anything I've experienced recently.... I'm basically fine now...
I just feel so bad... Like he should have talked to me. I want to talk to him. To ask him why. I don't know what I feel but it isn't good. Something was missed by inaction, I don't even know this man but I really feel his loss... Why did he jump?
When there is a suicide I always find it a bit shocking.... there is a feeling I cannot describe...It feels a bit remorseful, but there is a bitter jealousy attached to it than I just can't seem to shake.
| ||Posted 9/8/2008 7:39 PM - 61 Views - 14 eProps - 8 comments|
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