April 10, 2008

  • Another $$$ Social Obligation, UGH!!!

    Said moved away coworker coming back to visit.
    Expensive trendy Manhattan eatery for food and drinks.
    I want to experience life and new york and good food.
    I don't want to spend a couple hundred bux.
    On a weeknight too. for FOOD!
    I feel social pressure to go.

    I want to see the person.
    I don't want to go.  I just want to go home.
    Is it the money?  Is it social anxiety?  Is it both?
    I'm complexed and confused and torn at the middle.
    A certain level of stress is bubbling in my head.
    It is hard to say "no".  It is hard to say "yes".
    I cannot "afford it".
    "Affording it"  is relative.

    I'll have to go into debt for the amount I spend for my checking has eaten into my credit line until next Friday,  and I have debt.
    I'm in debt anyway, who isn't?

    They say you only live once.
    I've done this dinner thing before so that is obviously not true.  I live each moment,  not just once.

    It could go either way.

    You do only live once.
    I don't go out that often.

    I am an expert at rationalization, justification, self protection, and self deception,  but this time I fully don't know how to answer this.

    My gut don't want to go.
    It is also still a bit cold out for me to be out...
    Not wanting to go is my natural gut state.
    My gut's been wrong before.
    Truth is, everything will be okay either way.

    Oh boy,  listen to me complain about the weather,  being in the 50's and too cold to have dinner with friends.  God I'm good at making excuses.

    I feel also I should say "no", just for the mere fact that I want to and feel pressure not to, this pressure totally being of my own making, (due to the desire to follow the conventions of the fucking society)

    There are some who interpret it as a personal attack at one's turning down this type of invitation and plot to retaliate by not inviting in future.

    This turns into relief for me, actually,  a non invite is like a nice relaxing cup of tea,  I would rather be not invited than go through the anxiety of feeling I had to do something and couldn't say "no"...

    These feeling are way worse than being unpopular,  believe me.

    I never wanted to be the popular girl.

    It has seemed in life,  often, and I don't know why,  that the more unpopular and hidden you want to be,  the more people seek you out and try to torture you by trying to force you to have a good time and be social.

    Sheesh.

    God I hate this.
    LIVE? SAVE? RELIEF? BE BRAVE?

    There are 50 reasons why I can say "NO".  And there are 50 reasons why I can't really say "NO".
    I've said "NO" before,  and I've also said "YES".
    I'm at the 50/50 point.

    I can use this idea to justify saying "NO".
    OR, the fact that I said "YES" last time and it was a positive experience and was kind of glad I went and lived the New York hundred or so dollar night out on the town.

    So, what should I tell myself this time?

    I'm begging for advice here.
    .
    ...after reading this down, it is starting to look like something I've always hated since the high school days,  and this is the idea of either being one of those who are "in" and/or one of those who are "out".   In other words,   okay,  I'm on the A list, do I want to maintain my status.

    I couldn't care less.  I work there so I'm automatically in in this specific situation.  This specific job and group of people is it's own little A list and it does at times feel special.
    .
    I learned early on, Jr. year in high school,  how to maintain "in" status, while remaining "out". This was done by becoming a satellite to a popular guy I thought I was in love with, who befriended me,  (finding out later that what the package looks like is not always a clue to what it contains), buying a guitar and smoking pot to be popular.

    The only thing I kept from that experience was the pot and the lesson.  The friend and guitar are long gone.

    You can actually live a pretty full life vicariously just by watching and learning from the mistakes of others.  I certainly have.

    I think I will use this skill to opt "out",  and "be there in spirit"...

    I hate these types of things and have always been one of those who has felt special enough to be "in",  by my unique "absence",   and the poor guy has anxiety,  but he's a nice guy....

    this is fine with me.

    I've never cared about that "social calendar" thing anyhow,  and haven't felt I should care since my 20's.

    ...although I do give myself permission to change my mind.
    .
    The best thing is having learned to void what everyone else thinks from my existence,  this being learned back in those high school days, as a necessary means of survival.

    Sometimes not giving a shit is a really good skill to have.
    .
    The truth is, no one really even thinks about you OR talks about you when you aren't there. It just doesn't exist except in your own head...

    Some people never learn this.

    That being said,  one side of my brain clearly wants to go and experience the life in the city and a gourmet experience,  and the other side just wants to go home and skip this one.
    .
    Am I being socially SELFISH?  Am I NOT taking into account the said moved away co-worker and her terribly hurt feelings and not seeing LITTLE OLD ME??

    That was totally sarcastic, and she'll just have to deal with it if that's the case....
    .
    It's a heady,  heady  Thursday....

    ..or do I decieve myself thinking it does't matter if someone actually enjoys my company...
    Is it part of my lack of self worth and should I not ignore this?

    They are waiting for me to return the call.  2 days of torture now.

    I hate this...
    This is when I need time to stop and think,  like forever...
    .
    .

Comments (8)

  • I can't afford to do alot of things these days. But, you know me, the social whirlwind no matter what. I won't offer any advice here, I don't think it is warranted really. You can do what ever your little heart desires. Hey - I thought I made you popular in high school, not Stew!!! (Just kidding)

  • so perhaps you just need to stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and ask "do I really want to go?"  then do whatever you answer and don't look back - 100 years from now no one will remember or give a shit anyhow!  peace, Al

  • I've gotten much better at either saying, "I can't afford that" or suggesting a less expensive alternative.  And if they aren't interested in compromising, oh well, I feel like I did my part. 

  • well  sometimes i must push myself  out of the nest   somehow we afford it     a good friend now on the otherside told me  "if i stay in my own head to much i begin keeping bad company "  Mattie        as far as your stream   i have sat in that one before      the feminine is on the rise    you must sit in it more O   i think you have a knack    have a great day    i am getting ready to put my pots out   you ?   blessings beck

  • can you go have a salad say youre on a diet and still have fun? then you can go home later and eat all the stuff at your house you would have eaten anyway...

  • I wouldn't go. People don't really care anyway, everyone only cares about themselves. Do what you want to do, not what you think others want from you.

  • well...sometimes you learn good things from the tv. on one of those cooking and entertaining shows, the hostess said never invite people over to stay unless you really love them. i really was liberated when i heard that and no longer feel like i have to do things because i think i should. if i really wanted to go then i'd go. if i was on the fence i'd probably put the $$$ in the bank and say 'lookee there i saved some cash!'

    have a great weekend!

  • do what pleases you, and never be forced into saying yes. As someone else said, in a hundred years, no one will care either way.

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