May 3, 2008

  • Like today for instance

    I got up,   did the Time's Crossword...  most
    of it,   don't want to go out to the Cherry Blossom Festival. 

    I am depressed feeling,   low... it's so hard to describe...

    I have begun to remember dreams again,  bits and pieces,  actually 3
    this week.    I even woke up acting out a dream last night...  I
    thought of having an out of body experience while looking at the
    shadows on the wall just before falling asleep last night. 

     I woke up
    grabbing at the fabric of the dream,   a woman's dress, walking toward
    me,   a group of people rushing me,  grabbing her dress was grabbing
    the fabric of the dream and as I pulled it away,  like pulling a movie
    screen down,  I was awake sitting up pulling up the sheets.

    The day before that,  an image of Dr. Spaghetti sitting in his white coat,  the day before that, a flurry of high-rises,  bricks and lifetimes and stories unremembered,  but REM sleep nonetheless.   I wonder if it is the lack of Wellbutrin or just the sheer will to dream, to sleep perchance to dream,   to have memory of the dreams,  or verification that I'm getting REM sleep.

    Sleep disorder.   That's what it was.   There is a chemical in your brain that paralyzes you while dreaming for safety reasons.   You aren't supposed to act out our dreams.  Sleepwalkers and people who do act out dreams have a problem with this neuro transmitter or paralyzing hormone,  a depletion, or lack of secretion, production limitation, underdeveloped chemicalization.

    AA is doing the dishes and going to the Cherry Blossom Festival at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden today instead of tomorrow.   "The weather, the storms from the south are coming up worse tomorrow",  he says.   I don't want to go.

    I wanted to go to take photographs,  it isn't sunny.  It is not a good day.   I thought it might be interesting to get some nice shots on a cloudy day,  Geishas and other Japanonica shots;  arched wooden bridges over lily ponds with raindrop ringlets skattered across them.   Wooden pagodas in cedar forests.
     Koi lips kissing air.

    They have many things to photograph and a nice gift shop.   People will stay away in the weather.   It may be crowded, this is New York.
    I'm so down though.
    A bitter lemon Saturday.
    .
    I can't predict the day at this point.
    .
    .

Comments (8)

  • What ever will be will be. You can be Doris Day if you want.

  • Dr. Spaghetti sitting in his white coat,that's interesting.

    I haven't been remembering my dreams recently. I know what you mean, how you almost remember a fragment as you wake up.

  • Lots of people I read on Xanga, and the members of my family have been having odd dreams lately. Mark Lerner said earlier this week that some astrological configuration favored them.

    Don't you know that physical activity, fresh air and sunshine can help make mild to moderate depression go away, give you a happier, more optimistic mix of neurotransmitters?

  • went to watch the guys play ball today and got soaked in a down pour!  a nap - with or without dreams sounds good right about now  peace, Al

  • Hugs - I hope your day ended on a sweeter note. 

  • i hope you feel better soon. i get into stages of depression like waves and riding them out is my solution. sometimes focusing on something you really think is beautiful or comforting loving wrods will help (i suggest some poetry by rumi the love ones are the best).

  • "AND THE JAILER MAN AND SAILOR SAM,
    WERE SEARCHING EV'RYONE,
    FOR THE BAND ON THE RUN"

    Depression is a B. At least try to go outside or find something to laugh at if you can.

    -M

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