May 8, 2008

• A Wasted Blog

  
  I have nothing to say,   yet am compelled to blog.
  I thought I was blogging for posterity's sake,  until I looked up the meaning.
  I don't give a shit about the following generations.

  Yes it is happening in the world.  People no longer see a therapist,  we blog.  I saw an article in the news. 
  DUH!

  I'm glad it is Thursday.
  I look forward to weekends in general.
  This will be the second Mother's Day without my Mom,  I feel a bit blue about that.   I seriously considered and felt compelled to send an actual card to the house anyway with magical hopes that she just might be there and almost cried on the street the other day but didn't.    She is in a grave which also sickens my gut.   Sadness with an urge to vomit.  At times it is unreal.

  It is supposed to rain and I hope it rains like hell.  I hope the days are dark and grey and constant downpours and wind up the yin yang.  

  I'm looking, on Ebay for a real Southwestern, Native American Thunderbird because you can put them in the window sill and make it rain.  My sister had one when I was a child.  It always worked.

  She'd say  "Thunder ROAR and lightning CRASH broke Grandma's washpot ALL TO SMASH!!!" and scare the shit out of me.  And it would rain.

  If it isn't I might be tempted to go outside and enjoy the city,  or take photos.

  I believe I am having more episodes of comfort leaving the apartment,  but I suspect I may be avoiding something in the apartment,  or some things I need to do.

   Paper work and stuff,  financial stuff and personal responsibilities.
    I may have convinced myself that I have overcome some anxiety about being outside by preferring that anxiety over other building  anxieties inside.

  I change the topic.

  A psychology teacher raved about a book to his class yesterday,  if you want a real good picture of a psycho path,   so I ran right out and bought it after work,  The Devil in the White City  by Erik Larson.   It was not new to me,  I had considered reading it,  recently for that matter, and so it seems kismet to hear about it again.  In fact,  he was uncertain about the title and I reassured him and questioned him about the book.

  I am no psychopath, they just make good books.  According to this instruction, Lyndon B. Johnson  (A former American President) was a true psychopath and I will have to delve further into this when I have time and think about it again.

  Reading it (the book) is also away to avoid other responsibilities that cause anxiety....
  It is edutainment because it is both historically factual and well written prose.

  I've been up earlier than usual every day this week and on time or early to work, except I was actually 5 minutes late yesterday even though I left with enough time. 

  I am feeling bored and tinily restless these days.  

  I have a flower pot on the window ledge on the outside of the building,  I have several in fact,  and a few are directly over the stairs and the entrance to the building down below where sometimes people hang out.

  I came home to find a sherbet container with mint and a stick with Tibetan prayer flags on it gone.  It fell during the daytime, onto the sidewalk and the landlord has asked me to remove plants on the street side window ledges.  I have pretended to only understand removing the ones over the front door.... the others are over the garbage shelter and no one is in danger.

  There was accidentally a different story,  fear of inspection of the building due to an accident of a worker on the fire escape... bla bla bla..... where will I bee without morning glories on my window ledge?  

  And I had always worried about falling flowerpots,  until growing up and convincing myself that it only happened in cartoons, like blind men selling pencils from a cup, and the idea was merely parinoia,  until I remembered that I had moved to New York City and life had become a cartoon and a blind man really did sell pencils from a cup and all of the cartoon characters I'd seen as a child,  floppy eared doggy people,   pig people,   all people as animals,  TOP CAT and MaGilla Gorilla,   were all riding the New York City subway and every cartoon's inspiration was here.

  It's easy to confuse true safety concerns with paranoia,  or at least it was before 9/11/01 and the current state of the government in control.

  And so I put the fucking flower pot up there,  making a low container,  a plastic sherbet container instead of a terra cotta head breaker,  but the wind blew the prayer flags down,   and what does that tell you,   and so it goes...

  Life is really a cartoon but we all already know that.   I can't figure out if I'm depressed or not,  so I guess not.   I'm wondering if I'm even melancholy or just haven't stopped long enough to think about it...

  I watched "The Ruins" last night for free on  watchtvsitcoms.com.  Is that illegal?  Someone told me it was illegal?  I watch free movies all the time on Movie6.net and how can it be illegal when I don't do anything illegal to see it but click on the addy and open my eyes and ears?  And it's a good thing not many people read this because I'm giving away innernet secrets.

  So it's a pirate copy,  am I a pirate?  I didn't put it there, I just looked through the spy glass,  arg,  no matey walked the plank.

  No, seriously,  am I a pirate?

  I take comfort in being part of a mass of pirates, if so.

  If you get a line into something,  are you illegal? 

  There is no morality in Hollywood so nobody can say morals on this case,  I don't care if a movie star doesn't get my dime,  sorry, I just don't have that in me. 

  Perhaps Satan has turned my heart to stone,   then the prophecies would have been correct.

  If I believed in Satan I might be worried.  

  Are you an athiest if you can honestly say you don't believe in Satan?   You believe in a "God" thing but no Satan,  does that make you a half athiest?  A Satathiest, perhaps?

  I don't have cable and I watch more "tv" now than I did,  when I want and without those annoying commercials,  on the innernet!

  I don't think it's illegal if it is broadcast openly,  at least not for the person watching.  

  Please tell me if I'm wrong and does anyone ever remember getting an Internet Rule Book?  Huh?

  bla bla bla...  I'm not depressed,  it's pretty obvious to me.... I have no affect this morning.

  My affect produces no effect.

  I always confused the two until a coworker told me that easily affect was a verb and effect was a noun and so now it is as easy as day and night. 

  you could say I saw the light,  which is not the truth, but a metaphorical idea hinting at the truth,  because language itself is a lie,  disguising meaning to all but the initiated.

  How Are you feeling right now????
  Please tell me because I'm keeping stats related to the moon.
  

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  • 8:14 am
  • 7 Comments