May 11, 2011

  • Mother May Eye

    "Neuro Vascular Syndrome",  said the Dr.  "Get thee to a neurologist"...

    I have 3 appointments, the earliest next Tuesday.   After that,  I will decided if I want the other two.  One sees patients on Saturdays.   After the last neurologist, a quack,  i want to make sure I find one who is not ready to retire and halfway out to pasture... I want a young resident, eager to find something... I want an interested one who wants to look deeply and find a rare disease which would make them famous and hopefully I don't have it, but I want a Dr. who is really interested in looking for something.     And, they are hard to get appointments with,  they take time...

    I had another headache yesterday and could not work.  I considered going to the hospital.  Needless to say that I am afraid.  I feel they will keep me even if I don't need to stay because I think that may have happened before when they thought I had Endocarditis,   yes young Dr.s,  you can have early Endocartitis growing in your blood and be walking around for a time before you actually drop, as my Dr. told me when he laughed at my suggestion.    I really admire the previous young Dr. and like him a lot but never see him as I am very shy and avoidant...  I need to get over that...  I hide from the world, I don't know why...

    I wish I had more friends and talked to more people but I alienate people and isolate myself...

    .....The hospital took it a bit more seriously and kept me for a week and cultured my blood,  granted I had some undiagnosed symptoms and the laughing Dr. ( a young but cute Dr. who I have forgiven) was stumped...  fevers, dizziness... yada yada... nothing grew in the blood and nobody knew what it was...

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       These two painting have been visible to me all of my life.   The clown was in my baby and childhood bedroom growing up and my mother painted the other one,   it was always in the house.  We all wanted it but when she died my name was on the back of it.   I want to paint it.    I have been avoiding working on Mom's portrait.

    I was to do it Sunday, hoping for a dreary rainstorm but it was nice and sunny and Mom urged me to go out.... I think I am going to start calling it/them  Momdad because it is one unit and it seems to be both but sometimes she is stronger and sometimes it is him.   They are with me.

     

    This is the Mona Frida.  It is the Second thing that is totally finished , actually the first because it has a finish on it.  I did the Bedroom Corner first actually but it was done on the wrong surface and does not have a finish,  although I framed it this weekend...

     
        I used two colors, black and white.  I learned that shadows are never black and white is opaque.  I am not pleased with this and need to work on the tablecloth...
     

     
    I like to do very quick sketches in the darkness while watching the television.   This is my desk and television while watching it one evening...  practicing with line, shadow and composition... leaving out details is helpful

     

    Don't remember if I put this up yet.... Jazz,  practice painting an object with one color and white... then I improvised to music...

     

    Jewels,  unfinished... playing with color...

    Did I say at least I registered at the Art Student's League and started a college application and have official transcripts transferred from California to CUNY/SUNY??   At least I am doing baby steps... I haven't filed taxes and got a letter from the IRS....   they always owe me money I don't why,  this was for 2009, I haven't filed in 2 years... it gives me anxiety,  I do it every 2 to 3 years so I don't lose money.  I have extra taken out so I never owe...

    I am a bit disorganized so need to add mild confusion to my list of symptoms,  actually started typing a list of symptoms just because I feel confused, to give to the new neurologist.... LOL, NEWrologist...

    When I am in pain,  I take whatever I can to make me sleep,  last night I took sudafed and benedryl and slept the night this after sleeping through most of yesterday... I still feel tired,  but light and nonchalant...

    When I am in anxiety or physical pain,  the Pain Bunny is most helpful,  he and my Guardian Brangel.

    Would you spell that "Braingel" or "Brangel"   because they both have deep meaning.   Brane for Membrane as in "Membrane Theory"/ M Theory in physics...  and Brain as in your Brain pain...


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    Isn't really reading anything...
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    Should I begin "31 Bond Street" or another Michio Kaku book?

    What are you  doing these days???
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