June 1, 2011

  • I "Could Not" Finish My College Application

    ...by the deadline for September.  I do not know if it was intentional,  because of the headaches, the headache medication,  confusion,  I just could not do it,  subconsciously did not want to,  or waiting to make sure I don't have cancer before I plunk out the 50 bucks for the application fee.

    also,  part of me is like, they were calling and sending so many emails,  like they are so desperate,  before the deadline,   to get in by September.... it's an independent study type of thing,  it's SUNY... a lot of the stuff is going to be online,  or people going back to school while working, second career type things,  same as me.  Bullshit, it's a commercial endeavor.... 

     So I missed the deadline,  I'm sure they have my transcripts now,  they want my money...  it's not until September....  What? Like,  Oh, sorry,  you missed the deadline, you can't come to school...  Pish, I'm not worried.....

    I was sick,   I had headaches...    Awww,  well,  there may be a space for you,  or you can start in January.... I'm not gonna fucking worry about it..   Also,  art school popped out of the blue (am I doing this intentionally to divert myself?) so this starts next week and the art thing, interest, has kind of superseded anything else.... I may want to redesign or at least rethink my whole degree to include or incorporate art.... I do not have any idea at this point.

    I don't know if I am confused and lethargic and manic and forgetful because of a cancerous brain tumor, I'm totally insane and should be locked up before I explode and cause massive damage that I have no concept nor clue that I am capable of (nothing is in mind, that is for certain ,and I have no plans nor weapons nor evil thoughts at all....)  or ass cancer which goes up to the brain or the brain just some how knows about,  or I have a dualistic persona,  or nothing is wrong at all and I have some sinus headaches and I think too much...

    I'm actually, today,  sleepy,  groggy,  kind of disappointed that I can't keep up,   oh yea,     DRUGGED,  and wondering if it is from my body or from the medication which is stopping the pain...

    I have to say that I am suffering a bit of confusion and I am not sure which Dr. to talk to first.   The neurologist is out of town until the next week so I must just keep biting the bullet...  

    I am afraid of talking to the psychiatrist because I don't want to dick around with medications at this time since I am so sensitive...  I can't tell what is doing what.

    At least I am not in pain,   sad,  thinking of anything negative or bothersome....

    I'm just sleepy and confused....

    Ok,  the worst description is that today I feel like Winnie the Pooh needing a nap....
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Comments (4)

  • Maybe you should talk to the "pain med" doc first to see if this confusion and lethargy is "normal" while taking this med. If I remember, you wrote this was actually an anti seizure med, right, that works for the pain. I would def ask that doc. Maybe take a rest from your psych guy while you sort this out. I just woke up and I already know I am going to need a nap today...pish indeed.

  • just got up   almost everyone i now had a headache   it could just be enadedergy it is heavy now & just maybe you are being led to  facilitate art therapy something   ...     it is very healing to sick folks & you are artsy  my thoery i have practiced quite successfully is it is what i say it is   lol )))  feel better   love beck

  • I should think that if you explained the situation to them they could give you an extension. here's hoping things improve in your life. peace, Al

  • Your health should come first then your education.  I  agree that it would be very hard to do any intellectual work with sinus problems. I wish you're health gets better soon... 

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