July 17, 2011

• Last Night's Nightmare:

  I went to see the neurologist.  She was very very angry at me.  She was mad and said "You have overstepped your bounds".  She was yelling and snarling.  I was not sure what I had done so I asked if it was that I sent her an email to make sure she had ruled this out:

    Aspergillosis of the Petrous Apex and Meckel's Cave

   it was a case study I found.

   I am still looking for answers. They,  the doctors, are just treating symptoms and are not researchers... this is frustrating to me because I want to know but I also realize that no one really does.... but since it is happening to me I really want to know what it is.

   Aspergillosis of the Petrous Apex and Meckel's Cave is an infection near the pons which could cause my symptoms.  I assume it would have shown up on the brain scan but I am not a doctor nor a radiologist.. I want to make sure this has been considered and ruled out.  The symptoms are very similar to what mine are...

   I do know enough about medicine to predict her response to be that since no infection showed up on the MRI report,  and the Topomax is working to alleviate the pain , that diagnosis is not likely...

  I already know this but as a patient I want the Dr.s reassurance.

  and since I am NOT a Dr.  MY CONCLUSIONS are often WRONG!  This is WHY I GO TO ONE.

  I have nice doctors who in general do not seem to suffer from any severe issues with their own egos,  however I have met these types of Dr.s before, I would just have to find a new one.  I need Dr.s willing to give me credit for my intelligence and my analysis of my own body and psyche,  since I HAVE paid much more CLOSE ATTENTION than the AVERAGE PATIENT and also work in the MEDICAL FIELD.

  If a Dr. thinks I am challenging him/her or something,  it isn't safe for me.  I say what I think then they either tell me why it can't be that and I learn something new,  or they consider it...

  I feel like I am a team player with my Dr. and my personal health is the prize... I must sense the Dr. feels this way too.

   The BEST DOCTOR,  a regular internist,  DR. JOHN MONTANA passed away several years ago.  

  Luckily the doctor I was given seems very friendly, compassionate and able to listen to and to discuss and explain why things are not the way I may have assumed,  if that is the case,  or to listen to MY insights and consider those angles coming from within me from my years of internal self analysis,  forced, due to my uncomfortable sense of life.

  I do like my internist very well too.

  I like all of my Dr.s very much,  I am looking for the dentist that is one I do not have and the dermatologist is just whoever is available or keeps changing... but the ENT,  the internist,  the GI Dr.,  the Dr.s for my brain....

   are all superb and the best in the nation as far as I can tell..

  ....the index toe on my left food is starting to bend toward the left and I need to see a podiatrist which I have never been to before.

  I cannot believe how at this age suddenly I am using the terms "my doctors"  ect.... and sounding just like my mother did...

  i am getting older....

   anyway, in the dream,  ellipsis

  She yelled and yelled in this dream and I apologized profusely and tried to get back to my illness and her attention on that, but now , she was taking it farther, she was NOT going to be my doctor any more!   I felt so abandoned and kicked to the curb. 

  I thought she was insulted because I got a second opinion or something,  she said it wasn't the email...

  I asked to speak to her supervisor and the one above that but they were both on vacation.  I spoke to other Dr.s and they could not help me. 

  I followed her home to rationalize with her but she was angry beyond reason.  Her apartment door had her name and credentials on it like it was also her office. 

  This was in a nice part of New York.  I decided to walk around and go sight seeing. 

  There were other people causing stress in this dream besides doctors. People of everyday life.

  I was talking to people at my insurance company desperately trying to find another neurologist but this one was the only one who would take my insurance in the whole city of New York.

  I kicked out in my sleep and lashed around.... I talked in my sleep.  I awoke from the stress filled dream in a state of kind of dull panic or dread... I told myself.... "you gotta write this down"....

  It was a "nightmare" because of the level of fear and stress I experienced,   I believe...

   

   

  
  
  

  • 9:48 am
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