May 24, 2012

• I'm Having a Panic Attack Right NOW!

  
  .. I am shaking with anxiety.

  I was having anxiety all day yesterday and when I got home from work I went to bed.  I stayed in bed, just getting up to eat dinner and to use the restroom but stayed in bed most all night and slept through.

  I dreamed I held a drinking glass and noticed a crack in it.

  My older brother and sister are both in poor health and both far away.   My brother may lose his legs due to to poor circulation,  it doesn't matter that he hasn't taken care of himself by smoking even after a 5 way bypass, and he is elderly.... it is upsetting...

  My sister is very thin and in the hospital,  she only weights under 80 pounds or something... she has an ulcer where they removed part of the stomach before from ulcer.  She is apathetic and will not eat, nor will she quit smoking... She just wants to go home.... I swear she is doing passive / aggressive suicide it seems I don't know what to think.  Her Dr. is fed up with her, she won't take care of herself...

  I am shaking with anxiety and needed to write...  I have to go to work and it feels like it has been raining for 3 solid weeks.   Granted we had a lovely weekend and I took advantage of the wonderful weather, going to a Yankees Game on Saturday and spending time relaxing in Central Park on Sunday,  I even went on an art gallery tour at The Whitney on Friday night, I was active I tell you, it was an unusually active  weekend and all by kismet...

  I was presented with a Yankees ticket and invitation and the Whitney tour was also an invitation...

  hmmmm.... that makes me think of something,  a high anxiety period after an unusually good weekend...

  ..........
  On Tuesday night I dreamed I was in the shower and noticed a crab ( a pubic crab!) climbing up my arm...  I told a friend and as soon as I spoke the dream,  the interpretation hit me,  this is how it went:

  "... it was a crab!  a pubic crab! and in the shower!"

  .."oh that is so bizarre!"

  "I wonder what it could symbolize,  a crab?....    HEY!!!   A CRAB is the sign for CANCER,  I was in the shower washing/ cleaning washing it off,   I AM  AFRAID OF CANCER!"

  I felt like I should have paid myself $130 bucks for analysis!

  ...and as it turns out,  I AM afraid of Cancer, it is terrifying to me.   My neice has a rare form of cancer of the lining of the ovary....  not only that but there is cancer in the family on both sides and I have those bad cells in my stomach which means I need to watch it and have the endoscopy every couple of years... maybe even yearly,  I'm going to the Dr. in June and will probably get an appointment.

  Also I'm going to lose a back molar to oral surgery... this scares the HELL out of me.... I feel so beaten down...

  I am thinking of the Carpal Tunnel Surgery on my right hand, it is starting to bother me occasionally, I tell you I am falling apart at the seams....

  The summer is coming up so quickly I may not do it until fall or winter if at all... it isn't as bad as the left hand was...

  I was up 4 hours before I have to go to work... I shouldn't have any more coffee.... I just took an Inderal and I never use that, I only use them to go on stage or to fly (in an airplane)  ....  

  This is the first Inderal I have taken all year.  

  I hate anxiety.. I have it bad right now...

  I can either say "Oh Woe is Me",  but it's a mature anxiety,  or just recognize it,    feel it,    separate it,  pull it off of my body and hold it at arms length, and realize I can deal.....

  ....although  it ain't funny McGee.  No sir, I don't like it....  I'm shaking.  But at least I know what it is and am relieved to have valid reasons for it,  it's worse when I don't or I don't know what is causing it....

  My adult sister weighing 76 pounds was the straw that broke the camel's back.

  Shit.  Venting here is helpful... I forgot how helpful.... 

  Inderal is generally prescribed for high blood pressure to be taken on a regular basis.  I get for off-label use, the side effect of calming, however I am aware it can restrict the breathing so it's a science.  

  I learned all this by thinking I was having a panic attack on the day George W. Bush delcared war on Iraq.

  I thought I was having the worst panic attack of my life and then I thought I was having a heart attack because it just kept getting worse and worse until I could not breath.

  I went to the emergency room.   As it turned out, I was diagnosed with a massive asthma attack,   the first and only asthma attack I have ever had...  

  That is when I learned I should not have used the Inderal alfter all, although I wasn't in any danger, it just made it worse...

  I am not asthmatic,  I think it was totally caused from anxiety.

  Lung / breathing tests since that time are normal.

  Inderal has a very mild calming effect.  I already feel a bit better,  like a sigh of relief kind of,  although I am still anxious.

  If I did not know myself, I would go through the day all crabby and bitchy,  saying sarcastic things to people and getting angry at the slightest provocation.   I am so glad I got a handle on this.  It was hell when I was younger...

  I wonder what Freud would have said about my choice of the word "crabby"......

  To have a panic attack is one thing,   to have one and hold it at arms length like a kicking, screaming child,  is quite another.  Neither one is comfortable but at least with the screaming child you can rationally deal with it.

  Plan:

  Go to work,  put nose in book during all off time.   Avoid annoying people.  Remember you are on edge and why.  Look toward 5PM and the upcoming holiday weekend.

  Whew,  I had to tell myself I'd be fine.
  .

  .
  .
  .
  .
  .

  • 8:13 am
  • 2 Comments