July 24, 2012
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I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me...
I'm full of anxiety this morning... It isn't just the news... I am worried about the future... why do I fill my head with thoughts of what is and what could be? I hate that. Steel blue anxiety.
Something negative happened on Sunday in the subway, on the platform. I went to a street fair and walked around and was going up the west side and got off at 72nd St. to go to Fairway and Trader Joe's and as I walked toward the stairs my eyes passed the glance of this angry young black kid and and he goes "What you looking at!" and brushed against me with his jacket, clearly trying to start something.
I couldn't tell how old he was, he may have been a short man in his 20s or an older teen, I wasn't sure. I certainly hadn't noticed him and my glance was nothing more than the movement of my eyes as I turned toward the stair, caught in his gaze which cut through mine like a razor through paper.
I walked on and looked back... he was not turning around and continuing toward the open train... I hesitated... a split second, I burned... I turned back on my way and continued up the stairs. It stayed with me. I turned around upstairs, is he following me....
I went into Urban Outfitters, anger welling inside of me, fantasies rolled through my head, terrible name calling, racist slurs, angry rants, pointing out the obviousness of his anger and distress... These thoughts alternated between pity and empathy and understanding of oppression... then the strange ideas...
An evil spirit found a vessel. Why does this always happen to me? Angry spirits fly through the world seeking vulnerable people to act through.... I have been targeted before, although luckily never injured... but why does the arrow hit me, the spirit pick, the entity choose....
This stays with me all day Monday and is here this morning. Did I cause this. What did I do to attract this evil... There was such hatred in his eyes, I could see he wanted to strike me down.... What was it?
What was it?
It bothers me so...
I can blame this anxiety on this young man, on his bitter anger and that streak, living or inanimate, that shot through him at me and buried itself somehow in me...
Step one: Entity or emotion, get it out of me.
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Comments (3)
That guy had no right to say anything to you or invade your privacy. Whatever you think about him he deserves.
sounds like 2 people having not the best of days. peace. Al
Shit happens. Especially in the summer, in the city, on the subway. I remember things like this happening to me in San Francisco frequently. Davis is to sleepy for things like this.
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