Month: February 2013

  • On Being Zapped with Xanga Premium Automatic Annual Charge When You Weren't Expecting...

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    .  You kind of think,   oh my god, I'm still attached to that? 

     

    I have hardly used that think all year!  I have to disconnect that automatic charge thing!   Strangely,  I just used Xanga  to blog about visiting the Kitty Genovese, murder site...  after not blogging or using it like, for forever.... 

    ....so I wonder how much is the universe getting back at me,  or worse,  her!   Before that, I hadn't blogged in a long time...

    And then I called to see how she was doing...I do actually care,  when I forget how hard it is...

    (no, not Kitty Genovese)

    Anyhow, then, with perfect synchronicity, she does it again.   She manages to press my buttons and repress them.  She presses:

    1.  Oppress
    2.  Depress
      3.  Suppress
    4.  Repress

    These are the buttons that have been being dicked with since I was born and knocked her out of of her role as "The Baby"
     
    She has clearly never resolved her role displacement anxiety disorder since the time she was a vulnerable child at the age of eight.  She is still a vulnerable child and I am the target of this angst,  resentment,  unresolved detachment issues, jealousy... 
     
    I have tried and been hurt so often but more and more I realize it,  it will never work , she is stoic.  She has let her brain atrophy.  She is willing to settle sadly into "old age" and experience being an "old lady"... 

    Why do I put up with it and try to bring in reason in to conversations where no rationality exists... 

    It would make a good telling but I don't even feel like the subject matter....

    Well,  statements.... it would be good to record statements... statements would be but enough.... without even emphasizing the fact that these statements are staunchly defended,  and any knowledge by myself imparted upon her is quickly denied, justified simply by it hasn't been her experience...

    This is an adult,  mind you...

    Most recently...   it goes something like this...

     

    "What is it with Shingles? Everyone is getting Shingles these days and I have never heard of it before!!"

      ....."I have heard of Shingles all of my life.  It is from chicken pox,  older people and babies have always gotten shingles"

     

    "No.  I have never heard about it."

    ....."Mother told me all about shingles when I had chicken pox when I was about 20. I have heard about old people getting it for years.  It's only because there is a new vaccine that you are hearing about it"

    "Well, she never told ME about it!"

    ...."The virus is dormant in your body until your immune system is weakened.  I see it a lot at work and hear about it often ,everyone is getting told to get the vaccine"

    "Well, that doesn't make sense.  I know two people at work who have had it,  and they are young!  I have NEVER heard of it in my life!  Now two people have it! Something's going on! There was never shingles before!" 

    (I work in a hospital)

    This is how the conversation starts... it drifts to Polio.... vaccines are the subject...

    "I think you have to get vaccinated every year"

    ..."No, just once.  There's a booster.... people who have had it can get a post polio syndrome"

    "Yea but that's people who have had it."

    ...."Yea, 'post' means 'after'.."

    "Well, it's just like small pox, I don't think we have to get vaccinated because we don't have it anymore..."..

    "...(sigh)..."  

    "People are getting small pox again too."

    "..." (I am biting my lip, trying not to make it bleed... I realize the conversation is spiraling rapidly into oblivion... It's too late at night... I try to make small talk... I get caught up again when subjects of the hurricanes are revisited:

    Big sighs,  lots of big sighs and a regrets, I forget about what until something I actually know about comes out:

    "I sure wish I could have visited Coney Island and New Orleans, The French Quarter before they were destroyed.."

    ...."Coney Island wasn't destroyed."  (I live in new york city)

    "But I saw the big roller coaster in the ocean on television!"

    ...."That wasn't Coney Island, there are little amusement parks all up and down the East Coast, dozens of them... that was down in New Jersey. The Hurricane struck the whole coast of New Jersey,  Coney Island is in Brooklyn.."

    "Oh"   (this is the second time we have had this conversation)

    ...."and you know now about the French Quarter don't you, that it wasn't washed away?..."

     

    "Well, that's what you said."

    ..."well I sent you several links to articles to read about it,  the first one started out  "By A Wing And A Prayer, The French Quarter Is Saved".. or something,  and then one was about the president speaking in the town square from the gazebo, and about the woman who owned a candy store and the other businesses that were open, but no one went because everyone THOUGHT nothing was open,  and that there were people who actually stayed through the storm there, tourists and residents.."

    "Yes, but I saw those pictures of that water coming up and you know once that water gets in there, and that mold, they have to replace all that wood and everything ,the floors and nothing will really be original..."

    ....."but the water did not get there, the French Quarter is on higher ground,  it was lower down where the water flooded when the levees broke......."

     

    "LEVEES!  LEVEES!  YOU BELIEVE THAT????"

     

    I started to read an article...

    "WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT?"

    ...."university of California, Berkeley"...

    "BERKELEY! Don't you know that that is the most LIBERAL ....

    then it got into how you Can't TRUST ANYTHING WRITTEN BY UNIVERSITY PEOPLE...  COLLEGES ARE THE WORST...

     

    I am involved in this. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY ALL OF THOSE THINGS MY ANCESTORS FOUGHT SO HARD FOR!

    and I "suppose Hillary didn't have anything to do with "killing those men in bengazi!"

    Now I have all this power to actually destroy the world and society.  I am a socialist.  I want to give away my freedoms...

    I do not say how I think, feel and believe, it is now dictated to me... 

    I now have no  knowledge. The reason for this is because I have been brainwashed by liberals and socialists and educated persons and academic people who want to give everything to the poor and don't want to work  for it...

    I am at the end of a screaming lunatic and am not able to speak... at this point my objective blood is boiling....

    At this point I realize again how much I hate this and how unhealthy it is...

    and I "suppose you still like Obama!"  .... this is all loud and angrily screamed at me... I haven't been able to speak a full sentence for several minutes now... I have been reduced to raising the volume of my voice and animal behavior, my heart is racing....

    There is no longer discourse.  There is discord.

    At some point I had asked about what media to listen to or where to get sources from and the only response was

     

    FOX NEWS!  it's the only news you can trust...

     

    ...well, this just gives me anxiety and makes me sick.  It makes me feel disgusted by this person.  It makes me feel so sad and sorry that this person remains at such primitive level,  without so much as the basic concepts of science, biology, statistics, politics, history, ad infinitum... to even come to any type of  rational concision that the thoughts continued in her own grey matter spurned by her own sensory exposure remain the only source of knowledge she has ever had control of...

    She has no neural network.  She has no cognitive flexibility.  She has let her brain atrophy... There is no desire to learn, no craving for mental plasticity ...

    poor thing,  she is now like a broke winged bird limping to and from her nest....

    I must focus on WHY  this bothers me so much, I have always wanted her approval...

    (and even now, as i write this, i am physically shaking, aside from coffee!)

    it has always been,  no no no,  what I know or think or say is always invalid.  All of my experience or knowledge in the world is invalid...

     

    here are some more statements...

    ...i visit the west from the east after living here...

    ..."I really enjoy the trains, riding to work..."

    "There are no more trains anymore"...

    ...I pull out my address book and show the number to AMTRAK

       I say I ride one to work from New Jersey to New York EVERY DAY... and she says,    get this...

    "NO, there aren't any more trains anymore."

    there are a few more sentences back and forth and I ask if she thinks I am lying or making it up and doesn't she know about Amtrack and she actually says:

    "Well, there aren't any more Choo Choo trains."

    this is a FULLY ADULT GROWN WOMAN.  who has had 2 children and has access to books and computers.

    She also argues with my niece at one point,  "Yes, Spain is in Mexico, because they speak SPANISH"

     

    WHY OH WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO EDUCATE SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

     

    Is this AUTISM?  ASS BURGERS SYNDROME?  A personality disorder?,  retarded histrionics?...

     

    the thing is why does it BOTHER ME ME ME!  I am the SUBJECT HERE... even though it seems the subject may have been SHE or HER all along it has really been ME.

    why can't I let it go.. I have not been allowed to grow, to fully form and be respected as an adult.  I never will.  My knowledge will never count.   What I see on a daily basis is invalid. What I have been doing for 25 years is meaningless.  SHE will always know more than I.

    I have to let go... then I remembered how good Xanga was at spewing this shit and venting... and quickly cancelled my Premium so that shit doesn't happen again next year... I've been here so long I should have Premium for life for nothing...  anyhow...or did I? I didn't even check.. I just got reminded that I need to spew and my biggest problem in life right now is HER and it is sad and killing me,  it stayed with me for weeks, I tossed and turned and grinded my teeth...

    I yelled out in my dreams... I went back to therapist because I have something to talk about...

    How can you live with shit like that?  How can you just listen and not say anything?

    Is this sibling placement hell?

    severance...

    emotional severance

    how to obtain it.

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