May 16, 2013

• Helping My Sister Die

  I just got back from Los Angeles.  I was there for a couple of weeks staying in my sister's apartment in La Verne and visiting her in the hospital every day as she lay dying and we all pretended she was getting better.

  Those two kids.... my niece and nephew,  ( her two, there are 5 of us and 13 of those nieces and nephews )
    kids in their 30s and 40s   floundering with no plans and me as an adult,   this is where I placed myself... no one knew what to do and no one made any plans or decisions before the fact and although the truth was out there,  some of us were convinced she was coming home.

  We watched her beat severe sepsis,  like with a 30 percent chance.  We watched her beat pneumonia.  I had 9 or 10 good days of conversations and memories,  we had a birthday party for her,  her 70th on May 3rd, and then again the next day... and the next day.... her presents were new every day.  She lost her short term memory,   a lot of it... she became a dialudid addict and boy was I jealous,  I tried to stop it the second to the last day and made them aware.   She was asking for it every 2 hours and saying her pain was a 6.    Her pain was a 2 and she went for 5 hours without it,  telling the Dr. she felt fine as we talked and laughed.   It kept her lucid....   The very next day it was a fact,  pain management was now a priority and addiction was a mere side effect,  ignore it...  I said goodbye 30 minutes before her last dose,  to re-insert the nasal suction, she was bleeding in her stomach and the bile was still leaking,   she had pulled the suction out and begged and begged the dr. not to put it back 3 days ago but it didn't work....   I stayed through the procedure and it was not as painful as it had been the first time,  but she never came back after that final dose..    I hugged her and said I loved her and we had plans for me coming back for a week in June and again in August for a full 3 weeks when she was 'home'....  then I left for Ontario Int. Airport and she fell into a coma and never woke up.

  her children were at a loss,  my niece and nephew... I stayed in touch for 4 days after coming home and was back at work on Tuesday after she died on Sunday... I thought she had died on Friday when I left... I was in  daze... I was in phoenix airport and spaced out looking at cactus in a gift shop... i don't know how long i stood there... my plane had left 10 minutes ago.... it took me 4 planes and 25 hours to get home and I had not slept more than 4 or 5 hours for eleven days.  I went to work on Tuesday and Wednesday... on Wednesday they sent me home... they made me understand I needed a day off... I said I had been off all last week and they said,  oh no no,  you weren't off,  you were sitting with your dying sister... yada yada yada... oh I forgot... I should take a day or two right...

  I upgraded myself to First Class on the flight to New York City because I could not bear to sit on the tarmac while people unloaded their shit. I was the first one off the plane and the first one in a cab... I never check bags... If I have to have something unexpected, I purchase it at my destination and I prefer to use the local post office and ship my shit home in the mail rather than check a bag.   I often use Priority Mail at the post office you can ship up to 70 pounds in one of their boxes very cheaply and you don't need to deal with checking a bag... I hate it... when that plane is down I want OFF and OUT....  First Class was great. I'll think twice about not flying first class again,  after refusing a hotel and getting another flight,... I mickey moused my way from LA to Phoenix to Charoltte to NYC in 25 hours just because I wanted to get back as quickly as possibly and not sleep in a hotel one night even though they offered a great discount.. I was not able to sleep at all at this point... I just slept my second full night since May 1st,  last night... I just got up and am now going to to go eat.

  I'm going to take 2.5 mg of Zyprexa because I have one and I am a bit up now.....If I take any more it makes my feet tickle and it's worse.  2.5 mg will be perfect.  I'm high on adrenaline and had coffee which I need to start cutting back down on.............................

  . once I get stimulated I guess it's hard to get back down.....  eat,   sleep....... that is my goal for today.

  we,  they,   we just decided what to do with my sister last night... so today is my first day off,  I think , i slept late,  i keep thinking I hve to get ready for work or thinking something that isn't true and then realizing that my sister just died and i am at home and don't need to do anything now until Monday but the phone is ever present and I am,  if awake,  expecting a call or to call someone and to have to get ready to go....  I'm numb...

  they are cremating my sister.... there are two empty graves up north next to mom and dad.... no one said anything a bout the arrangements for 4 days....  there were horrible misunderstandings... and i guess everyone was numb... it was unclear who was supposed to do what.... my brothers and sisters are spread out and my family was clannish and now the matriarch (my mother)  is gone and the one who took control has been disabled and i stepped up but am on the opposite coast.... those kids,  those 30 and 40 year old kids are helpless....  it is their mother.....  it is our sister but it is their mother....
  this is all settled and clear,  4 days went by as one...

  This is the first of US.... of 'us kids'.... of us 5.... of us siblings to go.  Now there are 4 of us left.  Orphan adults with no parents and spread far, far apart....

  i am going to do something else,  like shower or eat or sleep or watch TV, ... i should pay my bills... thank God I was prepared... if there is one thing i learned early on to avoid hardship which is coming no matter what is to be prepared as much as possible and it does help... that is a known fact from my own experienced.

  i am prepared to have 4 more days of nothing.... nothing at all   rest.... I realized last night that I am in a manic state and have been so since the first of May.  

  I have not driven a car in about 25 years,  to any extend,  and have not driven in Los Angeles but grew up there as a kid.  I hit that Foothill Freeway at midnight,  got lost in Realto,  Pomona and San Dimas but finally made it to La Verne... My sister was in Glendora.....  During the 10 days I conquored the Los Angeles freeway system.  I easily found my childhood home in West Covina.   My dream is to buy it back,  retire there and fill it with everything from the 1960s that I can find on Ebay while having a wonderful garden in the yard...  it is The House on The Hill which is what we used to call it.  My dad built it.. I found my old schools,  my old friend's houses,  In and Out Burger they used to go thru when they went to the Drive-In movie thinking I was asleep in the back seat... Very near that house on Avington Avenue,   and so was The Donut Hole, still there, a giant drive through donut...

  I had no idea I grew up right by Route 66,  my aunts and uncles all live around there,   ( not all but a ton, mom had 11 brothers and sisters and there are over 100 cousins scattered all over )  

  it was home again and it was fine... the same and different at the same time.  Uncle died while I was there and I went to an aunts back yard and met many old cousins and kin I had not seen since childhood.

  I was very UP UP UP while there and even went out one night and will not say what I did.

  I miss Los Angeles... Driving around was neat.  I got lost in East Los Angeles, Baldwin Park,  El Monte, Covina, Glendora, Glendale.. Pasadena, ..... I saw old places I saw as a child, still unchanged.   Structures my father built... there was so much more,  I never even made it to downtown or Hollywood or anything touristy, I only drove around one day and a half,  mostly I was with my sister...

  then she died and in retrospect she was never coming home, although somehow there was hope.....

  i gotta get back now..... i can't even end this because it isn't really over... ever.... it's not over now but I haven't eaten anything...
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  My life has fully blossomed..... I suppose Fall is finally here.
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  • 1:47 pm
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