before my birthday... which is just another day... I haven't, since childhood, been a big birthday person.

I have tried taking vacations at this time of year before, only to be waterlogged and washed out. Once or twice I tried going to Fire Island. It is going to rain this weekend through next week because it is hurricane season and that is why it tends to rain around this time.

It is the week before Labor Day. This makes it seem as though raining on the vacation is a "Murphy's Law" type of thing.

I never traveled well anyhow. I enjoy staying home. I enjoy exploring the city. Last weekend I took a ton of photographs at the 73rd Street Pier of the FlyNY's event, a kite making and flying event... and I caught the Red Tailed Hawk eating a rat.

The photos can be seen at the 'flickr' badge on the right hand side.

I am not really doing anything this week except taking care of business and relaxing. I did not prepare for a long summer off so only have a week and half. I am short hours at work....

This was a direct result of Trigeminal Neuralgia and the medication to treat it. I was not able to prepare for having a long summer when I should have been watching my timing.

I may go to a museum after seeing the neurologist.

I find keeping low expectations helps lessen stress.

I have resolved to relaxation and taking one day at a time until working again after the holiday..

I live in Manhattan, there is a ton to do. I moved to New York City, why would I need to go anywhere.

I like taking photographs. I like taking video clips of snatches of life in the city and posting them to my YouTube channel.

pognyc on YouTube

This is one of our Red Tailed Hawks here in the middle of Manhattan, eating one of our rats.

My ninja skills are a bit rough holding the camera still... I'm getting old. The hawk saw me but I was able to maintain not frightening it. It's just a good thing I didn't fall out of the tree!

I am fascinated at the amount of flies way up here, they smell death where do they come from?

I have a special relationship with the hawks. They find me the way I find people.
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Someone mentioned Hawk was their spirit animal. I should look into that.

I was born in the Chinese Year of the Rat....

I should look into that, too.
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I'm between books.
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...and I don't know what to do...

Far from paralyzed, I am overwhelmed with choices so sit in early wonder of how my day will unfold.

I have one eye on my camera and there is a kite flying festival along the West River at 73rd St. in Riverside Park. That is my most likely idea.

It is the last day the streets are closed on Park Avenue for the "city streets" program, allowing people to walk, sun, swim in dumpsters turned into pools and ride bicycles along the avenue from morning till mid day, or stroll. I have not partaken. It has been very wet also I think it has rained a lot this season.

It may rain later, the little man in the Swiss chalet, the weather chalet where the maid is out for sun and the man for foul weather, the man is out so it will rain . The little Swiss chalet does not lie.

Last night the rain was torrential. I was afraid the roof would leak. It didn't.

I have not been out in ages. I have social anxiety.

I think, before, when I was really outgoing and artistic, I was existing in my right brain and now I am back in my left brain , or something...

Now I am dull yet unfettered, slow and easy, as summer should be but with a bored feeling.

I will go do something and take photos with the nice camera and report on it later. It is early. I still have time to do something....

I don't have any friends but one or two. I have isolated and alienated myself, now I see... my aloneness in the world...

I distance myself from people for some reason. I need to develop a support network.

I don't really have a good support network because I have isolated myself and am a loner.

this is due to terrible anxiety and fear of people....

I like it better when I am more outgoing and artistic and not afraid...

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I wonder if and when I will feel that way again.

At least I am not depressed or sad at this point. I'm going out to photograph the world, or a small part of it anyhow...
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Mercury being retrograde seems fitting. I feel down and tired, unmotivated...

I have to remember that it must be part of a cycle and just ride it out.

I thought it was boredom and was full of anxiety on Monday and Tuesday...

Constant feeling of blood running cold, fight or flight feeling....

It has been constantly raining too, I wonder if that is part of it. I always say I like the rain.. It makes you tired. Is that possible?

I had two days off and didn't really do anything recreational and was not able to attend my last two art classes.

I'm an art school drop out. I just disappeared and did not even say goodbye to the instructor or people I met.

This is an old pattern...

The last class was last night... I just couldn't go..

I feel uninterested. I have to keep reminding myself it is cyclic and I will feel better again.

The feeling is negative. I don't feel comfortable.

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All the stuff that happened with artwork and creativity and my mother and father speaking to me and inspiration seems to have vanished.

Yesterday it rained like hell.  I went to a craft store for a frame and they didn't have what I needed.  I had lunch out, at Wholefoods....

I came home and went to bed really early,  like around 3PM ,  I just slept. I awoke a few times to go to the bathroom and at midnight to eat cereal and take pills and then got up feeling bored again.  I'm off today.

I feel totally board and lifeless...  nothing inspires me...

Last night I told myself I was going through a down period... I'll just ride it out,  but I'm not "down" down,  like sad or negative or anything....

 I feel like an Ex meth addict, happy.  HAHAHHA I happen to think that is pathetically funny but it probably isn't...

Anyway...  I am having a spot of coffee... I am craving it so am drinking decaf... Now I see the reason they made it.. I totally did not see a reason for the creation of decaf in the past... Now I get it completely..

I don't know what I will do today.       

I really don't feel like doing anything...

I almost feel mechanical,  void of feeling.  That's it...

I don't feel.
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I have books but am not sure which one to pick up first.

I don't even want to go to art classes anymore.  In fact today I have class but I don't even feel like going I think it may be the last class if I haven't missed it already.  I haven't been in 2 weeks,  4 classes.  I had the endoscopy and didn't feel well and didn't go...
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I don't know what it is.  I feel like I am between things...  Although I am not expecting anything else to happen.
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I dreamed a long dream but don't really remember.  A long relentless dream.  A store here,  walking there. 
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The journey has been unique.  How long did it last ?  How old is this year.

It is only until recently that I have been able to grasp the thoughts of a scattered mind and retrospect the past.

It lays folded behind me but I willingly unfold the history, awkward like a map,  and try to reconstruct the has-been thinking and type of experience which lead me on a  journey so confusing to the mind, and so wrought with frustration that words to describe it do not yet exist.

In the past tense,  my experience, as all are, is unique,  my sentence structure, awkward.

If I were to  tell this tale and start at the beginning it might as well be 'now' as April 7, 2011,  the night of the first severe head pain during this flare up. 

Having fallen in January,  and in a passive voice,  on my outstretched fist and stiff arm,  body erect so as not to fall into vomit on the sidewalk, I may have done damage then.

Picture this:     a long inflexible thing, anything long and relatively inflexible,  like BONE,  hits hard on concrete shoving its juxtapoz,   a perpendicular equally inflexible medium,  such as the cervical spine,  as in  "jams into all that shit up there and gives your  little mushroom cap/stem,  brain/brain-stem a good wrenching", so you are left with a bobble head, a sore neck and NERVE MUMBO JUMBO ITIS

 That totally annoys the Trigeminal nerve, pons and vascular structures in the whole of Meckel's Cave..

And then there was the self hydration in coffee...  

I could tell this story backwards if I could ever get the thoughts in order....

There is definitely an element of "Time" here,  and it is out of itself.

..... i gotta write all this shit down...
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.(a 'retrograde' Mercury as well as a pharmaceutical I regretfully used are both suspect)
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