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  • I Am Really SAD About Amy Winehouse :(

    Sadder than I thought I would be.
    why?

    Because I knew you would or
    because I did not want you to
    die?

    I knew you would and told you not to.
    I left comments on your Facebook Page.
    I actually said:
    "Please don't die before your 3rd CD comes out."
    more than once I said this.

    You obviously did not do your own Facebook Fan Page.
    I was foolish to even consider you would see me.

    I had fantasies of helping you.

    This is my problem I see it now.

    Now that you are dead.

    And Michael Jackson,
    Michael Jackson who shared a birthday with ME
    a year or so earlier.

    I always thought I would actually meet these people.

    Hmmmm. 

    I am thinking.
    This must be psychological identification with a persona.

    I was going to help them.

    I learn a lot about myself when someone else dies.

    Also, when I predict someone's death,  it is worse....

    Jesus Christ,  imagine how her parents feel

    I am so sorry Amy Winehouse and I know.

    It is just the chemicals in my brain that make me feel I wish I could have met you and sat and talked with you somewhere and for some reason that I could have helped you.

    You would have never listened to me anyhow.

    Good bye Amy Winehouse.

    Goodbye New Music.

    Goodbye another fantasy....

    What do we learn about SELF when OTHER is GONE?
    .
    Most people won't go there but that is where the treasure lies.
    ..
    ............

    i haven't been able to concentrate well nor get "into" this book.

    I am reading it because of something professional I am doing which is all about the book and the movie...
    ..
    I was wrong that I thought the Character Hannah Schmidt was Ilse Koch,  the author,  Schlink,  denys this.

    I suppose there were only so many convicted female SS. War Criminals and this is fiction...

    ..I never knew the author had a perspective.   I only read what was on Wikipedia.

    the movie "Seven Beauties" is Ilse Koch and that is a movie to be seen by all critical minds.
     
    .I can't get into this book I am tired and can't concentrate although I feel much better today thank you very much.

    how are you?

    I should blog more often.  

    I have cut way back on the Facebook/Caffeine/Insane posting......
    .
    I am so out of touch with politics and the real world this week and last week :/

    .The TEE VEE NEWS gives me THE SHAKES AND ANXIETY!
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  • I Told Amy Winehouse...

    ..not to die before her third CD came out.  I am so mad at her.   The fact that her death was so predictable is what makes it borderline funny.

       Graphic:    EMT workers carrying out a stretcher with a body bag on it,  HUGE BEE HIVE HAIR DO visible at the top of the body bag...

     My mind is dealing with the grief of the death of a celebrity whom I idolized, with humor. 

    "There is something about my humors which sickens me"  said someone as actually the word "humor" is related to bodily fluids and the funniest thing to humans,  very early on,  is our own shit and our own death... go figure...   

    I am sad about Amy Winehouse and I told her several times to stop it and finish that 3rd CD. I told her this by leaving scads of comments on her Facebook page, back when I was on Caffeine,  but she never did listen to me.  People rarely do..

     Now she is dead, which is one thing but it damages the music when I listen to her now.

     Even if a 3rd CD comes out she is now forever marred because there is a difference between listening to an alive person and listening to a dead person sing, for me anyhow..

    This blog has nothing to do with Amy Winehouse, really.   She was just on the surface of my mind after reading about her, again this morning.

    I was standing in a hardware store when the announcer on the radio said she had died...  I was looking for the in-room air conditioners.  This hardware store does not carry them. 

     I myself am feeling better in general

    I may have sleep apnea,  I awoke several thousand times last night and the night before because I couldn't get enough oxygen.   I don't know if that is what apnea is totally about,  I'm just throwing the word out there..

    I had to jump out of bed because I wasn't able to catch my breath, and it woke me up...

    Was there a "nightmare" sitting on my chest?  Some type of imp or daemon preventing a  nice breath?

    Waking up thirsty for air and having to jump up to inhale and get a nice drink of oxygen all those times is not restful.

    I am dicking around with medication and at the same time am involved in a stressful situation at work. I have been unable to plan my summer and now I am not sure what is going to happen.  

    Still no headaches. Cutting the RX for the trigeminal neuralgia in half because of confused thinking.

    I have to talk to my supervisor today and have been nervous about that , that could be it.

     
    having a hard time 'getting into' the novel... :/

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  • Like That Old Twilight Zone Episode...

     ...where they are dying because the Sun is moving closer and closer to the city.... Dropping like flies on the burning concrete and tires melting on hot asphalt, the stench of sulpher all around.

    There are people in an apartment trying to stay alive in the unrelenting heat,  until... they awaken to find the Sun is actually burning out and they are freezing to death...

    ....or something to that effect...

       It's hotter than I can remember and I have fans and the AC making it just bearable...

    .   I have a lot of fluids and electrolytes and also hand harvested sea salt from the south of France..

     I think I said this before... :/    

          There is something positive in the air in spite of the hot wind...
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  • What Kind of Changes?

    That's what she said.

    1. Perceptual: non-malignant maligning lines
    and awkward making shapes galore with colors.

    2. Lines of men and their hats and glasses and angular faces
    retreating on the value scale from light to a darker shade, a shadow.

    3. Fawn-like misperceptions of wing-like energy
    rising like a rush of oxygen with helium in the bloodstream.
    And sanitary woe.

    dark and angular
    red and robust rotund park parking-lot and asphalt

    as fault
    as fault would have it.

    .

    That's what  he said.

  • If Everything Suddenly Changes...

    ...and you just do one little thing a day,  toward progress.    

     Then that is something.
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  • Last Night's Nightmare:

    I went to see the neurologist.  She was very very angry at me.  She was mad and said "You have overstepped your bounds".  She was yelling and snarling.  I was not sure what I had done so I asked if it was that I sent her an email to make sure she had ruled this out:

      Aspergillosis of the Petrous Apex and Meckel's Cave

     it was a case study I found.

     I am still looking for answers. They,  the doctors, are just treating symptoms and are not researchers... this is frustrating to me because I want to know but I also realize that no one really does.... but since it is happening to me I really want to know what it is.

     Aspergillosis of the Petrous Apex and Meckel's Cave is an infection near the pons which could cause my symptoms.  I assume it would have shown up on the brain scan but I am not a doctor nor a radiologist.. I want to make sure this has been considered and ruled out.  The symptoms are very similar to what mine are...

     I do know enough about medicine to predict her response to be that since no infection showed up on the MRI report,  and the Topomax is working to alleviate the pain , that diagnosis is not likely...

    I already know this but as a patient I want the Dr.s reassurance.

    and since I am NOT a Dr.  MY CONCLUSIONS are often WRONG!  This is WHY I GO TO ONE.

    I have nice doctors who in general do not seem to suffer from any severe issues with their own egos,  however I have met these types of Dr.s before, I would just have to find a new one.  I need Dr.s willing to give me credit for my intelligence and my analysis of my own body and psyche,  since I HAVE paid much more CLOSE ATTENTION than the AVERAGE PATIENT and also work in the MEDICAL FIELD.

    If a Dr. thinks I am challenging him/her or something,  it isn't safe for me.  I say what I think then they either tell me why it can't be that and I learn something new,  or they consider it...

    I feel like I am a team player with my Dr. and my personal health is the prize... I must sense the Dr. feels this way too.

     The BEST DOCTOR,  a regular internist,  DR. JOHN MONTANA passed away several years ago.  

    Luckily the doctor I was given seems very friendly, compassionate and able to listen to and to discuss and explain why things are not the way I may have assumed,  if that is the case,  or to listen to MY insights and consider those angles coming from within me from my years of internal self analysis,  forced, due to my uncomfortable sense of life.

    I do like my internist very well too.

    I like all of my Dr.s very much,  I am looking for the dentist that is one I do not have and the dermatologist is just whoever is available or keeps changing... but the ENT,  the internist,  the GI Dr.,  the Dr.s for my brain....

     are all superb and the best in the nation as far as I can tell..

    ....the index toe on my left food is starting to bend toward the left and I need to see a podiatrist which I have never been to before.

    I cannot believe how at this age suddenly I am using the terms "my doctors"  ect.... and sounding just like my mother did...

    i am getting older....

     anyway, in the dream,  ellipsis

    She yelled and yelled in this dream and I apologized profusely and tried to get back to my illness and her attention on that, but now , she was taking it farther, she was NOT going to be my doctor any more!   I felt so abandoned and kicked to the curb. 

    I thought she was insulted because I got a second opinion or something,  she said it wasn't the email...

    I asked to speak to her supervisor and the one above that but they were both on vacation.  I spoke to other Dr.s and they could not help me. 

    I followed her home to rationalize with her but she was angry beyond reason.  Her apartment door had her name and credentials on it like it was also her office. 

    This was in a nice part of New York.  I decided to walk around and go sight seeing. 

    There were other people causing stress in this dream besides doctors. People of everyday life.

    I was talking to people at my insurance company desperately trying to find another neurologist but this one was the only one who would take my insurance in the whole city of New York.

    I kicked out in my sleep and lashed around.... I talked in my sleep.  I awoke from the stress filled dream in a state of kind of dull panic or dread... I told myself.... "you gotta write this down"....

    It was a "nightmare" because of the level of fear and stress I experienced,   I believe...

     

     



  • Is It Funny

    how one asks for help

    ...and others disappear?

    is it

    that no one can help you but yourself?
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    I am feeling alone.

    afraid. 

    unable to speak.
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  • I Am Still Here

    ..although I am not really sure what is going on :/
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  • yluJ fo ht4 ehT

     

    gnisufnoc dna laerrus saw denkeew

    ...let me get this straight, it was at that

    a tight nylon woven blur

    a headdress of dis-pare had me Monday afternoon

    frantic-icism was all about me

    calendars just don't make sense no matter how you turn them

    and Sunday i spent like 60 dollars on blank books

    i actually forgot why

    i do need a journal or two

    and a blank calendar

    which is set up so freakishly

    although blank

    eight days to a page

    two days wide

    an extra day for afterthoughts

    i am behind in stuff and just have to leave it and go to work...

    i was manic

    i think i have a handle on it know..

    i don't now

    time will tell as it usually does

    time is the factor
    the deciding factor
    the deceiving factor

    time is the after the fact factor

    if i don't stop now

    time will have again
    in retrospect
    and totally dependent on individual perspective

    gotten the better of me
    .
    .
    i stayed home and the only fireworks here were at my brain-stem

    as i struggled with blank calendar pages

    trying to figure out how they could possibly help me

    muddle through the days ahead
    .

    what i don't like is leaving well enough alone and not knowing why
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    .
    "Senseless" 7/2/11  pencil.  my habit of drawing in the dark while watching old movies...

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  • Morning Ablutions

     

    dlv told me to draw myself in the mirror
    and to draw at home and draw everything i saw and as often as possible
    i am trying to make a habit morning sketches

    These were in the Cooper Hewitt gift shop.  I nearly wet my pants because of the cute box and graphics.  It thought they were pastels or something but they are crayonish.  I am loving textures and mediums and how things blends or not and sticks to surface or not or reacts.

    I don't know what my "medium" is.  The art instructor thinks I do will with acrylics and was impressed with the finished ones I showed him, he said he thought they were my thing, although I do like drawing/sketching AND pen and ink which I need to do more with.  

    Also,  egg tempura and encaustic painting are interesting to me too.  I have the tempura but have not tried encaustic.

    I also like collage and make small boxes, I should take photos of the boxes... I have a fetish and hording issue with small boxes. I have boxes of boxes it is kind of a joke...

    Things that  inspire me are my mother's inner voice.
    Old movies and film making
    Fothergill's Disease
    Things I see and find on the streets of the city.
    The City (NY)
    The history and the lives and the people

    George Washington Slept here

    OME
    OUR
    AM

    Discovering what your dreams are when you don't really think you have anymore.

    "Everything old is new again"
    "it's all just a little bit of history repeating"

    I used to hate potato salad as a child, now, in the summer, I can't get enough.  Life changes.

    there's no reason never not to have music and it is a sad world or place with out it.

     there's no reason never not to have art and it is a sad world or place with out it

    i can see the messages in the stars

    i assume my fear, trepidation and lack of confidence,   self insecurity and inability to boldly go  is apparent i am after nothing but to see what the urge is about...  

    fate would have you already know this and paranoia would have me question

    i feel like a bottle floating in the sea

    dear el bowtoe;  don't artists hang out and paint and draw together and talk about philosophy and politics like the salons of old?   I am terrified you might think me a nut but I would love to hang out with you, to paint and photograph you,  to write about you,  to listen to you and to express myself to you as I rarely can do with others...

     i am not driven alone... i will stagnate with energy used for stamina, by this age...

     i have no clue... i only have some sort of sub-electronic/neurosurgery crap going on and my dead parents giving me ideas...   you would know better than i would, which i suppose is my point...

    i was never one to go to the tarot card reader
    i am not sure what is going on but we are certainly in the age of Aquarius or something..

    i have information about physics and breaching wormholes internally to reach after lifes or have them reach me,  and i want to paint them!  but i don't know how and no one can talk about these things.

    el bowtoe, if you are out there i need guidance, ad-visor ship and a clue as to why stuff may or may  not be happening...  

    coming out of a lifetime of severe depression,  which had been covering  and masking
    a deep anxiety, as defense,   since early childhood,  and then discovering a physical reason like neurological physical chronic pain since birth
    had caused me to retreat

    and hide from the world

    but something drew me to Manhattan,  since early childhood i spoke of it
    i told mother early on i had been born into he wrong family into the wrong place

    el bowtoe are you also involved in drawing me back here?
    i don't know i am just asking

    i have no  beliefs, they are up in the air

    but something is changing

    a fish out of water

     

    comfort is falling down in place around me

    the world is settling around me

    i am clearly entering Phase II

    and I can already tell,  if I am not going to die from something,  that it will be much better than Phase I

    el bowtoe,  it is feeling like this

    a genderless and painful frida seeking advice from a wise an cosmic seeming diego
    in a romantic comedy of errors as fantastic as a lunatics pipe dream
    or a bored person's idle fantasy

    i would be so afraid to say  'wanna hang out and have a beer'  talk...  paint...

    assuming everyone has a life as mundane and rote  as i do,  jumping out of the fishbowl more and more frequently and gasping less and less often....

    there are few intelligent adults around to talk to these days and time is fleeting for all

    el bowtoe...  what's up?
    .
    to the misunderstood:
    a totally encoded message  not meant to make sense to the average citizen.  an experiment in global communication and self expression.

    what if my dream is becoming me,  because I am unaware of what my dream is?

    i need your advice and guidance.
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    ( anyone looking at medication side effects, besides myself, i dated the drawing wrong, it was just done, 7/2, I have to fix the sketch, my internal calendar is fucked)
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