I am depressed feeling,   low... it's so hard to describe...

I have begun to remember dreams again,  bits and pieces,  actually 3
this week.    I even woke up acting out a dream last night...  I
thought of having an out of body experience while looking at the
shadows on the wall just before falling asleep last night. 

 I woke up
grabbing at the fabric of the dream,   a woman's dress, walking toward
me,   a group of people rushing me,  grabbing her dress was grabbing
the fabric of the dream and as I pulled it away,  like pulling a movie
screen down,  I was awake sitting up pulling up the sheets.

The day before that,  an image of Dr. Spaghetti sitting in his white coat,  the day before that, a flurry of high-rises,  bricks and lifetimes and stories unremembered,  but REM sleep nonetheless.   I wonder if it is the lack of Wellbutrin or just the sheer will to dream, to sleep perchance to dream,   to have memory of the dreams,  or verification that I'm getting REM sleep.

Sleep disorder.   That's what it was.   There is a chemical in your brain that paralyzes you while dreaming for safety reasons.   You aren't supposed to act out our dreams.  Sleepwalkers and people who do act out dreams have a problem with this neuro transmitter or paralyzing hormone,  a depletion, or lack of secretion, production limitation, underdeveloped chemicalization.

AA is doing the dishes and going to the Cherry Blossom Festival at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden today instead of tomorrow.   "The weather, the storms from the south are coming up worse tomorrow",  he says.   I don't want to go.

I wanted to go to take photographs,  it isn't sunny.  It is not a good day.   I thought it might be interesting to get some nice shots on a cloudy day,  Geishas and other Japanonica shots;  arched wooden bridges over lily ponds with raindrop ringlets skattered across them.   Wooden pagodas in cedar forests.
 Koi lips kissing air.

They have many things to photograph and a nice gift shop.   People will stay away in the weather.   It may be crowded, this is New York.
I'm so down though.
A bitter lemon Saturday.
.
I can't predict the day at this point.
.
.

I really do not like the idea that you have to have permission to use the photographs of persons in public.   My belief is that if someone is in public without a mask,  they are fair game.

This is specific to selling the photographs.   If I do a piece on the festival with a cultural, or newsworthy slant, then you can use the photos, as long as you aren't slandering people which is getting into other territory.

Some of my best shots are of people and I can't offer them for sell to photo sites without the signed release forms of the persons photographed.  

How can you own your own image?  I think this concept will change,  is changing with internet and video and more and more exposure for everyone,  issues of ownership will drop in favor of issues of protection against misuse.

In other words, you can't say,  this is a really good picture that happens to be of a person, or have an identifiable person in it,  and sell it,  however you can say  oh,  look, this happened to day and it is news because.... and then it is okay.



Of course all I have said assumes the photo is not something that would be considered slanderous, like a photo of Amy Weinhouse with a crack pipe,
(if you're famous it's a free for all, basically,  as far as the photo goes anyway, thank god for that)



Anyway,   I'm just blabber blogging,   gonna get ready for work.   I love Thursdays.    I have a Cherry Blossom Festival to either dread or look forward to,  I'll dwell on that as I ride the subway.  I'm kind of looking forward to it,  for the photography aspect,  although no one is buying any more flowers....

Shutterstockpro takes my flowers,  I've got over 200 pix there now but no one has bought anything.



I watched a video of Madonna's performance.   She hung herself on a cross.

I don't like Madonna,  she has a severely wounded and overbuilt ego.   I never disliked her before but now I do,  and it's not the cross,  it's the EGO, sheesh!

I bet she's a terrible person and miserable.

(this is because I'll be hearing her all weekend as AA has gone gagga over Itunes and HARD CANDY,  her new cd)

I smell headphone wars.
.
.

I come here to write.

I feel better today.   Still congested.  Slept most all of yesterday and the day before.   Vick's Vapor Rubbed myself.

Yesterday I listened to several guided meditations.  I have several on CD. I don't know where I would be without guided meditations.   I truly believe they are helpful,  if nothing at least for relaxation.

Yesterday I fell asleep and it was all dark and rainy and I woke up and it was a sunny spring day.   I managed to get to the post office before 6PM too.  I needed to have a walk and fresh air.

Now I must go get ready for work.

It's Wednesday, right?  Okay,  3 more days until the weekend and I'm so looking forward to it.    It won't be so bad once I get back out into the swing of things.  I've been off and sick for a week and a half now.

The photo selling sites have too many flowers.
.
.

I am very congested, coughing and my head is killing me.  Not a migraine but just under one.   There is a jack hammer in the street, they are still doing construction in spite of the rain.  I'll hear that jack hammer all day when I'm not asleep.  I think I'm going to take a hot bath or shower,  have some Cream of Wheat and go back to sleep.  If I can do all that and just not plop into bed first...

I'm very depressed too,  but I'm thinking that being physically ill is contributing to that.....

I hate today.

Shouldn't I count my blessings,  it's been much worse than this before...
.
.
Writing this stuff here is really theraputic,  I don't know why,  but it just feels better to write this down here...
.
.

I really am depressed today. shit.
.
.

You can listen to the radio station up right while watching the slide show.