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  • There'll Be No Show Tonight

    In the art class, in the old building, there is an old woman.
    I mean she is really old, like 90, with a big hump and long greasy gray hair
    that she pulls into a long pony tail with some type of hair clip, or clasp or chopstick or something.
    she wears these really big rubber soled Nikes.
    She wears jeans and her body is misshapen, bumps and lumpy hips and kind of 'stove up'
    she has alcohol on her breath
    she has no problem with make up
    she is hilarious
    they call her "Rocky".

    She is the one who bumbles around during the poses and makes the illustrator cry out and another old woman and myself laugh.
    The illustrator crys out about how annoying it is to be drawing with Rocky bustling around
    and rustling around with  her sacks and cases and bottles of wine.

    Last night Rocky dropped a bottle of wine and it shattered on the floor during a 20 minute pose.
    Her painting fell right into it.
    I helped her pick up her painting but in my mind I am thinking it is hilarious
    and wishing I could update my Facebook Status
    but you can't have your cellphones out in the building
    because of the nude models and art work
    i assume

    so i just went back to painting
    and laughed at myself.

    on Tuesday Rockey had a new bottle which she offers around.
    I have not partaken yet because I am not such a big fan of wine to begin with.
    one day I hope to have a plastic cup of wine with Rocky and paint.

    The art instructor told Rocky that this has to stop now
    Rocky protested that someone might get hurt
    the illustrator complained about how totally distracting it was
    Rocky said there was always a curmudgeon in the group
    she winked at me and smiled

    Rocky and I have already bonded

    There are several other people
    who are actually more at characters
    but they are still people
    but it is hard not to view them as actual characters living in New York City or something.

    I mean characters. I love it.

    I will probably say more but I have to deal with reality.

    There is a man from Nagasaki there, he must be my age.

    a Nagasaki Baby

    He was born because his parents believed they were to produce soldiers to fight and conquer Americans, and to protect them because they knew they would be attacked by America.  

    and now here he is,  studying art and being a regular American.
    .
    you should see him draw with only charcoal it is amazing.
    .
    Even though the world is a full color spectrum

    i may be studying grey scale and value
    .
    .....
    (after thoughts from Thursday, 6/30/11;
    the 'Nagi Baby must be at least 10 or 15 years older than me.
    Gosh he looks young.
    I have the strongest urge to shout;
    "Hey Rocky, watch  me pull a rabbit outta my hat!").
    .
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  • Dreams

    I am remembering dreams again,  at least a few;

    I am taking my pills,  the new pill, the Topiramate

    .
    because of horrible head pain...this drug is medication which prevents convulsive and abnormal activity in the brain.  In my case, it appears pain is caused because of, maybe, contact with the "5th nerve", Trigeminal, or somehow  the medication prevents the activity which causes this pain, or calms it... it does not act as a pain killer for the pain it needs to be taken on a regular basis.

    it has unpleasant side effects, confusion, bumbling-ness... the attitude of a comic...  nothing horrible...  it can be frustrating if you are not told of this. .. i cannot see my future or plan the future, it is like blank, i can think of it briefly but need calendars, where i did not need to use them much before... this should go away it is a side effect, everyone is different... i would rather not be in agony...

    the brain is in a sack you know,  everyone should know this,  the "blood brain barrier".... nothing can pass through this barrier to protect the brain.   special things pass through this in the blood that affect the brain.

    ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that passes through the Blood-Brain Barrier has an effect on the BodyMindEmotions...

    this includes only foods and things like caffeine, nicotine and substances which produce electrochemical activity in humans,  intentionally or not.   This is very different than other things that don't pass through the blood brain barrier.  this is psychoactive..

    Anyhow,   Antidepressants were discovered by accident years ago while looking for a cure for TB or something,  it didn't work, but people were all saying, " I do feel better though"... and it caught on...

    This drug, Topirimate  was in my DREAM    I was taking the pills and the Topirimate fell into a sterile white garbage can full of dirty white plates and napkins covered with gooey food and muck. 

    My conflict  was, should I reach into the trash can and get that pill or just skip it that day and risk whatever nasty side effects/results of skipping a dose (seizure, pain.... nothing at all...) might or might not  happen.

     I awoke before this dream ended and I had to decide, or I was walking away taking my chances and awoke.    

    This drug is NOW being researched as a mood stabilizer as it is rather calming..

    In other dreams I am looking around at art work at the school and I hear someone say my name and think my painting has been put on display or something....   This terrifies me greatly because I worry I will have to face one of my greatest fears of all, which is public face full frontal attention, which as made me actually vomit and sick in the past...

    I hope remembering dreams is a sign of good rest... I have not really remembered dreams all that often for years.

    pognyc Inc.

    (incorporate art)

     

    There was a point in my late teens,   I could not tell dreams from waking reality , I would not know if something that had happened had been in a dream or really happened because the dreams are very mundane and non consequential,  nothing special happens... just regular daily chatter or like I am in another class or at work having a conversation so the 24 hour cycle becomes one constant awareness...

    I don't know which is real because everything is stable and nothing is fantastic, even in the dream world....

    Occasionally I would have a dream which would be obviously a dream,  like I am in a foreign place or back in time younger or something, but again, I have not remembered dreams regularly in 30 or more years.

    I should probably learn to fly in my dreams if this happens or something....   Anyhow... I got some notebooks...
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  • Trigeminal Nerve and Pons "Abnormality" Something "Is There"...

    There is no tumor, but something IS there, I want you to see this ,I don't know if I can show it to you, I am not the radiologist but this is your brain...  in slices...  this is the Pons....

    I don't really see anything and she can't read the scan herself...  I will get the report

    I talked too much
    I talk too much
    I was nervous
    but she said my brain is fine
    they don't really know
    no one knows much about this part of the brain

    she laughed and explained what she knew,  from animals,  and she said she had worked on plenty of them...  it must be humorous,  cutting the brain of an animal and telling someone about it to learn about human brains.... 

    That old Trigeminal nerve, they think, is responsible for most if not all facial pain.

    she stressed more than once they were not Migraines, and besides, Migraines had two categories and if they were, they would be the 2nd,  peripheral...  again , nobody really knows about this but as long as the  medication is working... come back in a month and deal with the other stuff...

    I actually LOVE this Neurologist, she is one of the most personable and caring Dr.s I have ever had and she seems truly interested in finding out what the heck this is,  but mostly that I am NOT IN PAIN!

    ...she doesn't know anything about the art, the creativity, the personality or "psychic" stuff though and it is up to me who I want to talk to about all that...  hands in the air as if I am holding a loaded gun...
    .
    .. An Aberrant Vessel ..
    may compress the fifth nerve
    sensory root
    as it enters the pons

    an abnormal MRI
    may not be abnormal
    as
    "lots of people have abnormal MRIs"
    abnormality blurs into normality
    i have always actually suspected this anyhow...

    it is not anything to worry about
    i am totally reassured twice about my brain
    it functions better than the average brain out there walking around on the street
    it is an amazing brain
    it is an interesting brain
    it is almost too bad people cannot see it on the outside of my head instead of my scalp because it is such a fine brain and i should not worry one bit
    because the Topiramate is working well
    and that is the point right?
    no pain huh?
    well, who could ask for better?

    well, the confusion and loopy,  banana headed and stand up comic attitude about everything will go away in another month or so
    just keep repeating
    "keep your goddamned mouth shut in public, keep your goddamned mouth shut in public"
    "and stop posting on Facebook"

    I knew the brain was abnormal, and shockingly so from a radiologists perspective, and the neurologist admitted that she could not actually show me very well on the scan image as she is not the radiologist but she showed me what she could.   I have known all of my life, since childhood when I had a clearly visible "invisible friend" whom I remember actually "seeing" to this day.

    My theory was always the child's "soft spot" at the top of the head keeping connections with the ante-life, until old enough to forget and suffer through this 'mortal coil'... bla bla bla 

    but visual cues,  pats on backs, "good lucks" and hour long waits in the mri machine while radiologists in India reviewed scans,  and pats from nurses injecting die and no more eye contact and coldness at the end said a lot.

    On the phone last week the Dr. specifically did not answer "is it abnormal"  " is something wrong"
     ....  nothing to worry about , " I seem to be a worrier"...

    The Pons connects the two hemispheres of the brain.  The Tringeminal nerve is responsible for all facial pain and head pain and she specifically said these were NOT Migraines and she would prefer that I NOT refer to them and explained that even Migraines have 2 different categories, this is more peripheral..

    AND, nobody really understand what is going on,  this is an assumption, mostly based on the fact that the medication is working.

    I have had a stinking suspicion that something interesting is going on with me and my two hemispheres all of my life,  when I compare how I seem to feel/think as how I see other people seeing/feeling/appearing to think... and I can be quite objective,

    I believe....  meaning I understand fully about defense mechanism and tricks of the mind and being human and understand things like "synchronicity" and the opposite idea, of disregarding non relative ideas and situations as insignificant but remembering only relative situations "coincidence" and giving "meaning" to situations...

    and I know i am human and open to all of these faults, therefore aware of the weakness

    I can't be anymore than aware of the weaknesses..

    I think it is pure physical and not psychological, although no one understand things on a level where the two sciences become one,  where biochemical activity become expressed feelings, thoughts...actions, behaviors even if not repressed or controlled by the ego/self...

    this i see completely and rationally...

    I said NOTHING about having a "purple dot" experience in the MRI machine

    I saw my "third eye" which I would envision things and visualize things which I interpreted as a psychic type vision, clairvoyance or whatever, this happens with eyes closed.  A yellow halo around a purple dot will center itself in the middle of my "dark field" and if I do not focus on it, it will grow larger until I see through it,   actually like looking through a hole in a fence,  to a very realistic scene..

    Also,  "my mother" was present in the MRI machine...  I had these experiences in thought and mind.

    I say nothing about this but I need a report of my MRI which I will get,  a copy of my brain and neck scan,  she also said there is stuff in my neck and I could use the physical therapy and we will do that next...    and a cd of the images

    and I need to find something out about the physics of going into other/alternate/altered states and brain scans and the parts of the brain... I don't know if this means parapsychology,  I don't want anything "hokey" but already kooks are coming out of left field all around me so I don't want to be labeled any more a "kook" than I already am...
    .
    I used to get this third eye, and have out of body experiences ALL THE TIME as a child and young person...  NOW I KNOW SOMETHING IS THERE...  

    I think this pressure on the pons and trigminal nerve needs much more exploration.. Also, they have recently found that birds use this TRIGEMINAL NERVE to sense DIRECTION via electro magnetic waves!    Perhaps the solar situations recently , the sun spots are the most active recently  this all coincides with my headaches....I feel the stigma of "mental illness" and I do not like being that type of patient and I am determined to get to the root of this or at least find out more about it...

    I am feeling better,  I should drink NO coffee, but I am still having a cup or two in the morning and I have to constantly remember to keep my mouth SHUT!

    I live by The Comic Strip Live, 2nd Ave,  the Stand Up comedy club,  I swear to GOD, I could go on stage, and be a stand up comic right now,  the doc must be right I must be manic, but this isn't bad,  every comic is manic and maybe this is my real undepressed / unhuddled and cloistered  personality coming out?

    I am either a recluse or a clown...  Even me as a clown is still afraid to go be out after dark :/ 

    comedy sure relieves something, I have been watching a TON of  old Warhol/Morrissey films and old B-movies and laughing hysterically

    You must watch "Trash"  the old Warhol film, it is totally hilarious and offensive.  Total in your face satire and the female leads are a riot!
    .
    .
    .If mother is "here",  it may be possible to have, through practice and intent,  reached a "wormhole" and breached into another dimension, I know this sounds silly, but I have actually been trying to actively do this for years...  I have left my body several times and kept awareness, out of body experiences,  I trained myself since age 12.   It is not something easily controllable...

    I also interpret between a visual and aural language and use all parts of the brain as all people who are interpreting languages do,  both hemispheres are connected and firing....

    There is a UN interpreter's brain on display at the Museum of Natural History.  She is working and the brain is being shown active.  This is the same thing I do.

    I believe that the idea of communing with another "dimension", my mother... may be physically painful to the right hemisphere, the hemisphere which senses the awareness of the here and now, the material physical world.

    I need people to talk to about this who don't consider me a "patient".... and don't see me in that light, now that I have some sort of physical evidence.... I had  EEGs and other "research" brain work which was done to me as a small child in Los Angles California and my Mom is no longer alive to question about this. I don't know why this was done.

    I have researched this type of "treatment" in that era at that place and time and the only thing I can find is, what?

    RESEARCH ON THE ELECTROMAGNETIC ENERGY OF THE HUMAN BRAIN and the Hemispheres.     There was no reason at THAT time to treat a child or use it much except for research purposes.   I had wires attached my head, wore a big cap and had strobe lights and flickering lights flashed in my face.   I was 4 or 5,  1965/1966,   Los Angles County, CA,  and I found it totally FUN. 

    The "burned" or recorded this information (i assume) on some type of green disc which looked to me like a 45 rpm record of the day,  that is all I remember,  except there were nuns in this hospital and It may have been "Queen of the Valley" hospital.  I can't imagine why I would have had this test done at that age. If my mother was asked to have it done on me or if she requested it??

    I am trying to find out what was going on then and what it might relate to this strange pons and nerve "abnormality" or abnormality activity in or near my brain stem involving the juncture of both hemispheres...

    I just find it interesting...   I need someone to talk to about it,  someone smart and not in a position where I am a "client"...
    .
    ..
    I can be a client, but I am not paying anyone, all I know is,

    I AM one of THOSE people, who HAS something "going on" UP THERE

    and HAS the Ability To rationally DESCRIBE IT WHILE IT IS OCCURING
    and I know there ARE people out there who WANT  to listen
    for research purposes
    i am not trying to brag and it isn't my ego.

    I don't think, unless it is that good.  and it could be, they sometimes are, because I do know a few,  some look right back at me on a regular basis    

    :/

    but this time I don't think i is i think something is curious in the brain that needs further exploration,  short of cutting me open,  I love to take tests....
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  • breaking down the day

    breaking down the day
    in fifteen minute quarters
    egg timer in my hand
    ticking down life

    lists on paper unchecked stand mixed in with the artwork
    gigantic art paper lists
    of things to do
    and the fractured time it would have taken  to have done them
    if something else hadn't
    captured the attention
    like the
    cat's
    attention
    like a
    fly
    flitting
    around
    the
    room

    coinage dots the apartment
    and in it is lost a special token
    a token of my affection
    an antique subway token
    exactly the size of a quarter
    exactly the weight of a dime
    lost for 100 years in the community
    flower beds of park avenue
    and now lost in a lower tenement
    building
    genterified into near suburbia
    i can't find it now
    i struggle with

    folding hanging putting away clothes
    dishes
    i need to prepare for work tomorrow
    i need to make a schedule
    i need a blank calendar
    i will see the neurologist in the break of the day after
    lunch sitting in the park
    i have decided to
    and drawing
    so i won't be late
    because it is by her office

    instead of
    trying
    to
    beat any clock
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    .
    o   life in small doses  o
    .
     an
    hour
    glass
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  • I FOUND SOMETHING!!!

    I  am nearly ecstatic.
    I thought it was a coin
    in the middle of Park Avenue
    on the dirt where the flower gardens grow.

    it wasn't a'shine, I knew it was old
    but hell, it was 1 PM
    someone should have seen it
    it could have been a quarter

    I picked it up
    it is an antique NYC subway token
    I toyed with it all the way to the psychiatrist's office
    I washed it off in the psychiatrist's bathroom
    because it weighs exactly the same weight that a dime weighs
    I knew it to be one of the very earliest subway tokens. 
    I think.  I would have to do research.

    I sat it on my knee,  as we discussed my case, which would, in fact be me.
    it bugs me to no end that i can mingle with shrinks and appear totally "normal" and "pass" in regular daily life but as a patient I appear as a nut case
    at least in part
    i sat this subway token on my knee and was going to exclaim my exuberance at having just found it
    yet medication and my weakness to it came up.

    it was a pleasant discussion.
    more people think i am stable than not.
    more people think i am normal than not.
    more than a few people that I know
    people that come to me for advice
    have told me that I seem to be the most "mentally healthy" person they know
    so I don't know what I am so worried about.

    God I love having found this token

    I do not like the idea that a psychiatrist thinks I may be a nut.

    And,  when these thoughts dissipate,  this should not be a major portion of my life

    as this blog would historically indicate...

    Is anyone looking at the colors?
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  • Jelly Brain

    I wanted relief from anxiety yes
    relent
    advice of one from one perspective
    consume chemicals

    loop the loop

    fight until 5 PM when I see it is raining and I cannot find De La Vega because of the rain and the fact I have a JELLY BRAIN

    I knew this would happen

    la la land

    God,  the KIDS WOULD LOVE THIS...

    I was out like a light for like 15 hours and can't think straight.

    JELLY BRAIN
    .

    at least I have no ability to feel anxiety, anger,  any type of distress or regret..

    I am breathing a huge sigh of relief and all's well that ends well says the bard.

    some people are trained to just relieve distress. 

    I should really be more thankful for this.

    I also got news,  very very good news... there is NO brain tumor..

    but I need to SEE my brain scan.

    "is there something there? is it serious"

    she repeats

    I need to see my brain scan.  At my next follow up we will go over my entire scan in detail there is something I need to be shown.

    Or am I over reading words and vocal tones?
    .
    again, I repeat,   jelly brain.
    .
    ...

  • Seeing Through The Doctor's Window

    In my dream I live in a nice apartment in Chelsea.  I can see into the bedroom window of  Dr. F.A.S. 

    I just see an empty bed.

    I see a book, a vase,  a pair of glasses.  I am curious to see if I will see him through the window.  I am painting or drawing, sitting at my desk. 

    I believe (they?) (he?)  know(s) I live here now..  I look over again and I see that someone/he has placed a large roundish or big ceramic vase or something on his desk or in his window sill to obstruct my view.

    The vision of his empty bed, his book, his glasses stick with me...

    I wonder if I was having an out of body experience.  It didn't feel as though I were and I was not lucid. 

    And I did not see the Dr.  but I knew the apartment was his.    I want to talk to him about art.  I think this is what this was about.  Years ago he mentioned to me he did art.
     
    ... Tonight a student in my art class told me she was sensitive and she thought I was channeling my mother's spirit.  I mentioned my mother had been an artist, that was all.  

    She does not have any clue as to what I have been experiencing since April 7th, related to headaches,  psychic impressions, running into a professional artist who gave me wonderful feedback and allowed me to have his personal contact info,  actually trusted me with this, a total stranger....  I have a hard time not believing in the spirituality of all of this...

    and the migraines and "psychic" stuff.....    No word from Neurology....  other tests ahead.    I don't know what to believe anymore at all.  

    Isn't life interesting?  The older I get,  the more interesting,  curious and strange it becomes.

    .  I am happy now.  I do not want to be sick and dying.
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  • How To Play With The Mature, Well Raised/Conditioned And Properly Dispositioned Feline

    Willow is approximately 8/9 years old and is a recovering Type 2 Feline Diabetic..
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  • mirriorroirrim unfinished memorandum to self; l

     

    study-value -the shape of darkness revisited

    unfinished sketch on cotton duck canvas 6/11/11
    graphite/charcoal 
    unfinished

    ......................................

    notes to self 

    6/8-9-10/11

    pencil/charcoal/paper 

    unfinished

    'fish out of water'

    it was hot a day.  
    i had not yet put the little cheap portable ac in yet.
    i was still drinking iced coffee and sweating.
    i was too 'involved' to stop.

    i needed three cold showers in the long run.

    three
    .

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