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  • Anxiety Provoked!

    Somebody wants to buy something of mine on Ebay.   They live on the upper west side.  If I can cut they shipping they will pay a bit more.  I want to sell these things, they have been collecting up dust and have been for sale for some time.  The person said they lived in a doorman building.  This is code for I can just drop them off.   It would cost me some transport to go drop them off, exactly 4 dollars,  leaving one dollar off the price they are willing to give me to skip the shipping. 

    I would rather this person pick them up here, outside on the street,  but the problem is I can't meet a stranger like that,  sell something and have the person come pick them up here, the NY World's Fair Glasses, but I'm too anxious about those types of situations.

    It takes some building up to do something like this,  a human interaction, and I just don't have it in me today... I have a Dr.s appointment at 4:45.   I just got out of bed around the time of the last past.

     I'm not afraid of the person, don't ask me why it is anxiety provoking.  I cannot meet a stranger.  What to do what to do.  I'll deal with it later.  I'll figure it out somehow,  face the small surge of panic juice.....

    I have met strangers before, don't get me wrong.

     I did it once before and managed to do it,  but it is highly anxiety provoking,   I think being sick,  have a phlegmy chest and cough, might make the anxiety worse.
    I'll ignore it today.


    This is all over $15 bucks by the way.   I must be sick.

    I just solved my own problem.  I'm mailing them,  I'm giving up $5 bucks profit.

    I deal with nickles and dimes, don't ask me why,  anybody else would just throw them out or give them away.  I will get $10 for them. 
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  • Getting It From Both Ends

    This is a very very DISRESPECTIFUL POST

    My intent is not to hurt other's feelings so please don't read this if you are sensitive to BLASPHEMY. (only in the catholic interpretation of the word thought, unless you can blaspheme Satan.)

    I discourage anyone who actually believes that another human, or another human organization, such as the Catholic Church,  or any other church for that matter,  has divine qualities, from READING THIS.


    Geared toward this man in a fancy golden frock.

    I'm home sick today and I'm off the rest of the week.  Sick.  Shit.  Perhaps my anger toward the pope made me sick,  now I'm thinking like a pagan, the earliest victims of this political organization called the Catholic Church.

    Cramping my  style!  I can't even walk down to the bank on Friday night because the POPE is in my neighborhood.
    87th Street is blocked and they WILL NOT LET ANYONE CROSS for like 45 minutes!

    I wasn't angry at the time though, but a lot of other people were.  I was on a leisurly stroll and had a cellphone camera.   One woman whipped her camera out of her purse and her daughter, about 7 years shouted, "MOM, You'RE GONNA GET ARRESTED!"....
    The mother laughed and said "I'm not going to get arrested for taking a picture of the pope", but THIS IS EVIDENCE OF THE FEAR WELLING IN THE NEXT GENERATION.

    FEAR INTENTIONALLY PUT THERE BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION.

    I spoke up and said "NOT YET ANYWAY!!!".

    I was funny,  people kept asking "CAN I CROSS, CAN I CROSS" and I would shout
     
    ONLY LIKE THIS:  and make the cross on my shoulders and forehead and heart.

    Some people thought I was funny but New Yorkers are often ones to stare blankly and then turn away.  This happened to me several times with the cross joke.

    This is a pain in my ass and I am amused at the MANY OTHER PEOPLE who are a bit TEED OFF at this visit,  this guy doesn't represent US nor OUR COUNTRY.  He requires WAY TOO MUCH SECURITY!  GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

    In the News paper it says that if you LIVE in one of the AREAS he is going to be in,  get this,  it actually said this :

    1. See if you can get out of town for the weekend.
    2. Stay inside your apartment while the pope is visiting your neighborhood.

    Can you believe that!   Anyhow,  if you look closely,  you can see his shoulder as the cell phone/camera pans by,   I wasn't even expecting this and I was really delayed along with several other people, some trying to get to the air port.   The videos of the angry protestors did not come out...

     It was really a pain and was ridiculous.   I am so ANTI POPE!   Sorry to any Catholic readers,  but he may as well have been Michael Jackson as far I was concerned!

    And, I felt an evil presence all throughout this and even stronger as he drove by.  He scares me more than George Bush and doesn't it say in the Bible somewhere not to be fooled by the wolf in sheep's clothing? And isn't this the perfect set up?  Hello?

    What if the pope is Satan incarnate?

    Red Shoes?

    Pradas, at that????  HuH?

    I'm not making a joke, Prada does make his shoes.  The Devil wears Prada, Hello? 

    If I actually believed in Satan I'd be terrified!

    If he is so holy, why all the protection???

    Anyone could have taken a shot at anytime and I didn't see anyone trying but there were a lot of pissed off NEW YORKERS

    THE POPE  AND AT PASSOVER AT THAT

    GETTING IT FROM BOTH ENDS!

                                          POPE-O-VISION!

                                          POPE AFTERMATH

  • The Pope is in Town WHAT A MESS!!!

    ...and everybody wants to have a look at his red shoes.  Someone woman on the radio said they looked like Prada.

    This may be an offensive post I would caution reading further, but these are my beliefs.

    I'm so glad I don't drive.  He's totally screwing up traffic, but good,  like I mean NO traffic in several places.

    He is coming to the UN to speak to the world.  I won't get to see him cuz I have to work.   I have very negative feelings about this Pope or any other religious leader taking part in state issues.   I won't go into it because I don't have the time to write all of my feelings.

    I do not believe that any human is any more divine than any other human. I believe it is NOTHING BUT politics in and finance in the guise of something 'holy'.   Not only do I believe that it is not holy,  I believe that if there is good vs evil, it weighs heavily on the evil side as do the politicians and every other religious leader except perhaps the Dali Lama who generally does not give a "religious" message in that there isn't such a weightiness to the hierarchy, nor is this prevalent in Judaism nor Islam (of course the latter two are both heavily sexist as well)....

    I see the acts of faith, belief, understanding of the workings of the universe and any other attachment to a God/ess as totally personal not an ORGANIZED nor GROUP experience.

    I see the Babylonians,  the Holy Roman Empire, Constintine, King James, Martin Luther, John Smith, Jim Jones, Sun Yung Moon  you get my drift as people who gained attention and or following... 

    I see modern Christianity as a man made political institution with clearly established roots and the assignation of faith to such a structure as kind of a cop out for personal responsibility or surrender to fear of the IMPOSSIBLE to know unknown.

    We just don't know where we came from,  why we are here,  and there is a HEAVY chance that when we DIE we STILL MIGHT NOT KNOW.

    If you want to go in THAT direction,  and I don't,  WHY would a GOD who created EVIL in the world and SAT BACK to watch what happened,  testing everyone bother EXPLAINING it all to us anyway?

    "OK EVERYBODY, it's the END OF THE WORLD, now listen up cuz HERE's THE TRUTH:....

    okay,  enough bitter sarcasm... and I had a relatively mild religious upbringing...

    I equate the "FEAR OF GOD"  with  "LACK OF FAITH".

    I don't believe in SATAN.

    And it isn't the religious message that I am angry at, it is what man  has done with it, human part,  the hypocrisy,  the pomp and circumstance... the willingness to surrender to presumed or assigned authority.

    I am a highly spiritual being with attachments to a higher power, whom I couldn't possibly begin to name nor identify.

    The only thing I do know for certain is that I don't know.  I can accept that.  A "God" just by nature would be beyond my human ability to understand to begin with.

    I have to go have some yogurt now.

    Now the Pope has made me late!

    They're talking about the security threat he brings,  they say he is a terrorist target, now I wish he weren't here...

    They are actually talking about the lack of Pope souviners on 1010Wins radio.

    Sheeeeeettt.

     

  • The Character Development Is In Tents!

    I am reading the best book.  The Ruins,  by Scott Smith.  It's a movie now.  The writing is swell.  The character development is intense.  I am learning a lot about the tricks of writing a novel by reading this.  It is quite entertaining.

     I am engrossed by what the characters think, feel, see, taste and smell... Those are key ingredients.  I am seeing it in action.   I'm sure the book is much better than the movie.   I still don't exactly know what is happening,  I'm not yet at the half way point,  but fully engrossed.

     It's the kind of book I want to read in one sitting,  although I never would have chosen it,  it seems like cheesy horror,  if I hadn't read of the success of the writing. 

     I'm so fucking jealous of Scott Smith I can taste the bile in the little bit of vomit that came up in the back of my throat while reading about a character with a broken back who shit his pants.  The poor poor Greek guy,  and being stranded with a group of people who don't speak your language... how miserable can you get?

    I'm reading it for the writing of it but it is actually very very engrossing... I can't wait to get to the meant, (sic, meant "meat", but really 'meat' may mean 'meant' depending on the meaning)  although it's looking quite scary for this group of diverse characters stranded on a hill surrounded by angry Mayans with bows and arrows.

    One of them has a GUN!

    It's a story story,  story!  You don't come across those too often these days.  Gifted shitting writer.  Simple yet intense.  Like reading a fucking map to get exactly where you're going.

    Anyway,  I didn't know what to write so I wrote that.

    ..

  • It's a Sunny Tuesday in New York

    Yesterday during my lunch hour I took a few photos at the farmer's market.  To share what I saw here are some:

       

    Spring is in the air, and just around the corner,  in spite of the chill.

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    I cannot see the last photo,  after uploading it.  It is not different than the other photos.

    This confuses me.
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  • It's a Blustery Day, Whinnie The Pooh Would Say

    I just happened to catch a yellow balloon which had escaped and was making a hasty retreat against a confused and mishapen cloud.   This was a lucky shot and my third to be accepted for sale at the fussy fussy photo site.

    2 accepted in one day,  now they have 3 out of 55 submissions not rejected. Woo Hoo.  I don't get why this one either though..  Go figure. 

    I think I'll take the camera out, buy some type of food and eat it,  and watch the clouds blow around.

    I took this photo probably six months ago. I forgot. 

    You see fleeing balloons and tots aghast more often than you would think in the big and bustling city.

    In fact, not a day goes by that I don't see some kid with a hostage balloon tied to his wrist, or  tethered to the handle of a stroller.
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    I used to get a balloon, typically not a helium baloon on a string, but a foot pumped and tight balloon from Bud's Bootery, in West Covina when getting new shoes.  There was a foot pump with a long stem and the balloon would get pumped by the sales guy's foot and I'd get the balloon.

    Some time there were Ked's "Red Ball Express" shoes and some times there was Buster Brown and there was also a big Red Goose or something,  some freebies would often come with shoes, this goes back to the mid 1960's.

    This is what happens when balloons take you back.
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  • Finally a second photo accepted for sale on the very very fussy photo site.

    They have rejected 52 photos.  This and the goldfish they take.  I can't figure it out.

    Some stock photo selling sites are less picky.

    It seems hit and miss. But they must have a system or just a few picky people.

    It is going to be another nice day.

    It is very Sunday out.

    What are you doing today?

    I'm going to attempt the crossword puzzle with coffee now. I got up early.

  • Decisions and Forgetful Dangerous Mistakes

     

    I said I wasn't sure about the fancy dinner.   Three key members are not able to make it.  I may opt out.  I will say that it should be a night out with the girls,  as I would have been the only male. 

    Today I will announce that I am not available and I was actually offered a job that very Tuesday night yesterday and I could take that and actually not be available which I may do.

    I felt better when I found out that these three other people are not able to make the dinner.  One of these people is the one with the hardest time understanding how you could live in Manhattan and not partake of the Manhattan ritual of fine dining at least once every few months.

    At any rate,  my big concern this morning is a mistake I have maken twice now which is not a good mistake to make.

    I made frozen chicken taquitos from Trader Joe's for dinner on Wednesday night and last night.  I put the oven to 450 degrees and baked them for 12 minutes or so.   The taquitos were delicious sprinkled with Trader Joe's Mexican Mix pre grated cheese and Taco Bell Mild packet salsa that you get for free at Taco Bell, I always stock up....

    On Thursday morning it was odd that the kitchen was so warm.... I hovered around the steam pipe that goes through the room from floor to ceiling, near the oven and wondered why it was on,  then I felt the heat rising from the oven, I'd left it on 450 over night.

    Last night,  while making the taquitos again, I told myself to remind myself not to do it again. 

    Luckily,  just before bed,  I went near the oven and felt the heat again,  I'd left it on again....

    I've been doing this with running water,  and stove top,  forgetting....

    It's happened rapidly and frequently and suddenly...

    Is it beer or am I showing early signs of alzheimers?  

    or worse,  a canabanoid induced weakning of the memory mechanism.

    I don't know if I should worry or not...

    Chances are I'll forget all about it.

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    I think I will try to get a glimpse of the Pope next week and snap some good shots.  They are making a big merry fest of it on the media..

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  • Another $$$ Social Obligation, UGH!!!

    Said moved away coworker coming back to visit.
    Expensive trendy Manhattan eatery for food and drinks.
    I want to experience life and new york and good food.
    I don't want to spend a couple hundred bux.
    On a weeknight too. for FOOD!
    I feel social pressure to go.

    I want to see the person.
    I don't want to go.  I just want to go home.
    Is it the money?  Is it social anxiety?  Is it both?
    I'm complexed and confused and torn at the middle.
    A certain level of stress is bubbling in my head.
    It is hard to say "no".  It is hard to say "yes".
    I cannot "afford it".
    "Affording it"  is relative.

    I'll have to go into debt for the amount I spend for my checking has eaten into my credit line until next Friday,  and I have debt.
    I'm in debt anyway, who isn't?

    They say you only live once.
    I've done this dinner thing before so that is obviously not true.  I live each moment,  not just once.

    It could go either way.

    You do only live once.
    I don't go out that often.

    I am an expert at rationalization, justification, self protection, and self deception,  but this time I fully don't know how to answer this.

    My gut don't want to go.
    It is also still a bit cold out for me to be out...
    Not wanting to go is my natural gut state.
    My gut's been wrong before.
    Truth is, everything will be okay either way.

    Oh boy,  listen to me complain about the weather,  being in the 50's and too cold to have dinner with friends.  God I'm good at making excuses.

    I feel also I should say "no", just for the mere fact that I want to and feel pressure not to, this pressure totally being of my own making, (due to the desire to follow the conventions of the fucking society)

    There are some who interpret it as a personal attack at one's turning down this type of invitation and plot to retaliate by not inviting in future.

    This turns into relief for me, actually,  a non invite is like a nice relaxing cup of tea,  I would rather be not invited than go through the anxiety of feeling I had to do something and couldn't say "no"...

    These feeling are way worse than being unpopular,  believe me.

    I never wanted to be the popular girl.

    It has seemed in life,  often, and I don't know why,  that the more unpopular and hidden you want to be,  the more people seek you out and try to torture you by trying to force you to have a good time and be social.

    Sheesh.

    God I hate this.
    LIVE? SAVE? RELIEF? BE BRAVE?

    There are 50 reasons why I can say "NO".  And there are 50 reasons why I can't really say "NO".
    I've said "NO" before,  and I've also said "YES".
    I'm at the 50/50 point.

    I can use this idea to justify saying "NO".
    OR, the fact that I said "YES" last time and it was a positive experience and was kind of glad I went and lived the New York hundred or so dollar night out on the town.

    So, what should I tell myself this time?

    I'm begging for advice here.
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    ...after reading this down, it is starting to look like something I've always hated since the high school days,  and this is the idea of either being one of those who are "in" and/or one of those who are "out".   In other words,   okay,  I'm on the A list, do I want to maintain my status.

    I couldn't care less.  I work there so I'm automatically in in this specific situation.  This specific job and group of people is it's own little A list and it does at times feel special.
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    I learned early on, Jr. year in high school,  how to maintain "in" status, while remaining "out". This was done by becoming a satellite to a popular guy I thought I was in love with, who befriended me,  (finding out later that what the package looks like is not always a clue to what it contains), buying a guitar and smoking pot to be popular.

    The only thing I kept from that experience was the pot and the lesson.  The friend and guitar are long gone.

    You can actually live a pretty full life vicariously just by watching and learning from the mistakes of others.  I certainly have.

    I think I will use this skill to opt "out",  and "be there in spirit"...

    I hate these types of things and have always been one of those who has felt special enough to be "in",  by my unique "absence",   and the poor guy has anxiety,  but he's a nice guy....

    this is fine with me.

    I've never cared about that "social calendar" thing anyhow,  and haven't felt I should care since my 20's.

    ...although I do give myself permission to change my mind.
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    The best thing is having learned to void what everyone else thinks from my existence,  this being learned back in those high school days, as a necessary means of survival.

    Sometimes not giving a shit is a really good skill to have.
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    The truth is, no one really even thinks about you OR talks about you when you aren't there. It just doesn't exist except in your own head...

    Some people never learn this.

    That being said,  one side of my brain clearly wants to go and experience the life in the city and a gourmet experience,  and the other side just wants to go home and skip this one.
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    Am I being socially SELFISH?  Am I NOT taking into account the said moved away co-worker and her terribly hurt feelings and not seeing LITTLE OLD ME??

    That was totally sarcastic, and she'll just have to deal with it if that's the case....
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    It's a heady,  heady  Thursday....

    ..or do I decieve myself thinking it does't matter if someone actually enjoys my company...
    Is it part of my lack of self worth and should I not ignore this?

    They are waiting for me to return the call.  2 days of torture now.

    I hate this...
    This is when I need time to stop and think,  like forever...
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  • The Headache Went Away But I Have Rants

    Why the HELL is LOST being RERUNS for 3 weeks until the next NEW episode?

     Isn't it Friday YET?

     ....hmm,  I can't think of anything more to rant nor rave about.   I notice I have not spoken about politics for a long time.  This is because I really believe that the government, or rather, the seemingly corporate placed administration is either a JOKE or a THREAT and neither is GOOD.

       The Pope is coming!  The Pope is coming.   He may be coming to my neighborhood because of its German roots.

      I don't want to offend anyone and say insulting things about the Pope but I have strong feelings arounding "HUMANS and so called Organized Religion(s)".

       believe me,  I certainly know how to separate the spiritual from the human/political mishmash that people fall into and out of and into again.

    ...anyway,  this time I won't buy a Pope watch because the last one only ran for about 5 months, and then the buckle on the band broke.  I certainly will be curious about POPE Souvenirs that they will sell on the sidewalks all over the city for resale on ebay...

     I wonder if and when there will be a female Pope or would it be a Mother Superior,  and when will the degenderization or even feminization of God take place again, and it will,  if everyone isn't dead before then.

    I wonder if a female God could possibly come a couple of hundred years after a female president?

    Anyway, I was always told, if you think you KNOW the TRUTH,  the DEVIL MUST HAVE YOU and you're "JUST LIKE HITLER WAS".

    I don't like the obvious hypocrisy with our politics and our whole system.
    There is no separation of Church and State.
    The Pope sits with the heads of Governments.

    ..I'm sure if it were the top Rabbi or a Muslim, many people would feel differently.....

    To me, none of them should be there.
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    It was a rolling stream of consciousness and this is where it led.

    ...and there are Pope signs up and advertising all over the streetlamp posts all up and down the avenue....
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