April 25, 2008

• THE SEAN BELL MURDERING POLICE OFFICERS AQUITTED

  
  It Looks like a spontaneous riot,  although peaceful,  is happening in Queens.

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  I'm not sure what to do today.  I feel like I have a ton of chores,  I feel I've wasted most of the week,  in all fairness being sick was to blame for some.

  I'm actually just ignoring stuff.

  Should I go out?  Where should I go?  I live in Manhattan and there's nothing to do!

  I halfway feel like going back to bed.

  I am pulled with indoor chores and cleaning and making the apartment a nicer place to be.  I am totally ignoring anxiety provoking chores related to finances and tax....  i should do that.

  I have tons of Ebay to do but I've totally ignored that as well.  I could have been listing shit like crazy.

  I hate the days that wind down toward the end of free time,  like wasted Sundays,  with chores undone and my time belonging to the world again next week.....

  you can't bring back time.

  I don't know what to do....

  I feel overwhelmed and confused.... time wasting....  time time time   I honestly believe I have a time disability... I just don't see it, where the hell does it go?

   out there in the world,  3 unarmed men were riddled with 50 bullets by policemen who were just slapped on the back and excused....

  I don't know the details

  I'm surprised a riot hasn't broken out in Queens but it seems to have been a peaceful thing lead by an oddly silent Rev. Al Sharpton.

  You just better not look cross eyed at a cop or they'll KILL YOU AND GET AWAY WITH IT.

  That's is what we are headed toward.

  Note that this old judge who is about to retire,  74,  etc...

  This reeks of "old boy network"

  I didn't follow the trial,  I cannot comment.  They say the witnesses were not credible...

  In general killing is routine.
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  .I guess I'm going to shower and go out... I can roam around...
  perhaps I'll walk over to the river....
  I hate time as it passes...

  I sound just like my mother.
  she's been somewhat present these past few days as well,  the sadness of missing her...

  I used to see Mother's Day Ads and wonder how sad they would make me when my mother died,   this was years ago,  even as a child.

  Now I see Mother's Day Ads and they are like a sharp pang in the heart when I see them...

  I wish I hadn't known,  and rehersed, it didn't really help,  it was just future knowledge...

  these days are like trying to hold a slippery gold rope.
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  The city seems to be humming with some sort of "not again" disbelief.   50 bullets into an unarmed man.
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  .I don't get it.     I never will.
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  I carry a brightly colored wallet,  just so I won't get shot taking out my ID or metro card while the gun toting guard is emptying the cash in the subway.
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  There was no riot in Queens after all.

  This is nothing new.   This is background noise.

  .I identify with the undergod,  oops, I mean underdog.

  I didn't say this but I'm feeling kind of depressed yesterday and today too....
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  a small insignificant dot on the big planet and....

  I will listen to The Water of Hado and see if uplifts me.
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  It became 9 AM and day television came on,  the news went off.

  When I realize that many people are just starting to watch , when I'm turning the set off,  a girl is talking,  she has a raspy voice,  it is Rachel Ray,  or whatever,    she is showing how you can buy a cheap swimsuit instead of an expensive one...

  my point was I feel better when I realize that there are people who are just starting their day by turning this stuff on to watch...

  Shit I'm depressed,   I feel a weighty presence on my shoulders and the anniversary of my father's death is next tuesday.....

  I am blogging a spew of raw feelings..... thoughts that come,  thoughts that go.

  This is where the time must go...

  Of not being able to decide what to do,  to the point of doing nothing.
  Of lamenting the passage of time.
  Of feeling heavy in the chest of constantly on the verge of tears.
  Not constantly,  it just seems like it when it's there.
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  It's nothing new.

  I'm just background noise.
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  • 10:34 am
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