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| Had to go to Michael's for some canvas board. There's a painting I want to paint. I did a drawing a few days ago and got this idea for a painting....
I had 4 days off for spring break. I'm bored stiff. I met a friend here for lunch, as it is near Michael's and she lives nearby and wasn't working either. The weather is coolish, nothing to brag about....
I haven't been painting but did some drawing.
I bought myself a Nook E-reader, a reward for filing my taxes on time. I hate filing my taxes on time and am notoriously late, like 5 years late. 2 years ago I filed 5 years at a time and then a last year I filed 2 years at a time and this year I am on time. I've never been penalized because I never owe the government, they always owe me money and there is no penalty for filing late if they owe you money of course because they are making money so they want you to leave your refund with them, and, as I learned the hard way, if you are over 3 years late, they get to keep your refund...
Anyhow, my accountant moved upstate, I can't stand him, so it's easier to deal with him through email and through the mail. No longer do I have to go to his big fancy office and feel intimidated, I don't know, he just rubs me the wrong way.... I have too much social anxiety to find a new one too... now that I'm used to this prick.
I read all three of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo series.... hard to get into, good, then drudgery about the Swedish government... Was glad when I finished the third, then watched all the Swedish movies and the American version of the fist one. all very good, but the series is over hyped...... then I read Perfume by Patrick Suskind, one of my very favorite books now. Full Dark, No Stars, Stephen King at his most brutal....
I read some sexually perverse novel from the 1920s, I think, called The Story of The Eye.... Wow, what an eyeful, totally perverse...
Now the 3 books I want to read, 2 Body Farm Novels and the next Gaslight Mystery Series by Victoria Thompson ( body farm books by Jefferson Bass) are not published yet but I have pre ordered them...
What will I do tomorrow, my last day of vacation? Should I rent a bicycle? I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art on Monday and saw The Stein's Collect... the collection of the new Paris art collected by Gertrude Stein and her brother Leo, several Picassos in there and many others.
If you haven't seen Midnight in Paris, you should, they are featured in the movie. Gertrude Stein did a lot to make Picasso famous and a few others...
Now I am bored of blogging too...
In my Nook is The Hunger Games which came free with the purchase, I got 2 books, the other is called Loose Cannons and is full of myths about wars which I couldn't care much about. The Hunger Games is juvenile.... I suppose I will finish it since it is short but it is not for me... at this point it doesn't look like I will read the other two. I want something better.... I like adult fiction...
I downloaded a book about Sybil, not the current one that refutes multipersonality disorder, but one by Patrick Suraci which supports the idea and he actually knew Sybil and has some of her art... this is know first hand...
Anyway... what else... what to do .... go home and watch the next episode of Awake, a series about a man who goes to sleep only to wake up in a parallel world, his sleep life is an alternate life in a parallel world and he sees a therapist in each world and they each tell him the other world is a dream. It's a pretty good series... I'm really into quantum mechanics and parallel realities...
Hopefully I'll write again soon. Facebook is killing this blog.... . .
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| ...am I a racist? I truly thought that since Streep has had such celebrity, and we have a black president, that Viola Davis would win. Of course I haven't seen The Help.... I have only seen 3 of the movies and I don't really care...
It was an Oscar Party Pool and I didn't win the cash or at least I haven't heard I won any cash... I left before it was over..
I drank too much... why do I do that? I poured Grey Goose until the cows came home.... with club soda....and I ate sweets galore...
I was so socially anxious seeing everyone I don't ever see and those I see quite often...
One person I was really nervous about seeing.... this girl... we had a slight falling out because she's a dick.
I avoid people and I avoid confrontations.... so she comes up to me in my face all smiley "SO ARE WE GOOD? ARE WE GOOD?"...
I'm like "WH, WHA WHAT??" in a comic strip and I just kind I go "...i guess so." and that was that... gosh...
people scare the hell out of me.... i ran for the vodka and that is not a good thing. I did not get sick though.
I put two drinks down and walked away intentionally, giving myself a break in between... I only had 3 drinks but I poured them myself so it was probably a lot more....
I did not get sick although I am suffering today.... off of work for once, nice after an oscar party .... and slept till 11 AM.... I just ate... I need to get outside while the sun is shining but I can tell I have no energy...
my body just sits here.
i regretted the invitation, took a proprolol or whatever you call it to reduce anxiety, and had a good time and was glad I went but drank too much..
I got at least 6 of the categories correct when I left but someone had 8... the pot was over $1000.... rats.
.... I really don't care about the oscars, it's all so phoney, but it was nice to have forced myself to get out and mingle with colleagues, friends, .... and not so much so.... since I'm such a social isolate and asocial...
Do you ever get invited to things and feel a burden that you HAVE to go or you'll be an outcast and never be invited again but would prefer to stay home? That's me. shit...... anxiety....
then afterward, relief and another time learning that I should force myself... but damn it is uncomfortable and hard and how often I give in to isolation... . . Thank you Oscar. . .
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but cannot photograph it well... my second oil. oil is interesting it stays wet for months. it is a long slow process. i am not sure what i think about it it is really messy  i should shoot it in natural light i don't think i am finished i like it with more black under the left cheek like before now that i have fixed the nose
i will probably paint more on it
.i have not been feeling artistic then this kind of popped out . .
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| One saw his shadow and the other one didn't. What could it possibly mean?
I'm hung up on meaning. Stuff that has it and stuff that doesn't. It's the stuff that dussent that kills me.
Meaning is subjective and objective. Life is hardly ever black and white, except for the fatal points.
I feel much better than in that other post but personal stuff isn't getting done today. Why would I blog about it?
I was supposed to go get a blood test today but did not. I just don't feel like it, no appointment is being missed and I can do it on Tuesday. I just don't feel like I have to justify it to myself although I feel a need to find a reason...
I don't know what to blog anymore but the urge to sit here and type is great. Xanga automatically charged me for Premium... I probably would not have renewed had I known... That was actually something possible to know, unlike the dueling goundhogs who see shadows and don't see shadows which voids all meaning.
Today feels void of meaning. Something is missing. Something is strange (looks up at the calendar to see the moon phase and doesn't see anything specific other than it's waxing... Full moon is next Tuesday...)
You are constantly searching for meaning, changing tenses and persons in midstream.
No one is the wiser. . .
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| I am crippled with anxiety the rain is coming down in a steady pace I want to curl up into a ball I think I have a stomach virus I could have gone to work I broke my cell phone earlier in the week a package came yesterday it is the replacement no one was here to get it it will come again today I had a low grade fever on Wednesday I would have stayed home on Thursday but I didn't want to use up any more sick time I stayed home today I think I have a stomach virus I sit around the dark apartment waiting I hate this I can't do anything there is clutter everywhere I feel alone in the world getting old getting older, feeling more alone now I'm getting scared. I feel raw today the rain is coming down and everything is gray you can't see very far but other people are working the world is going on I feel regretful and guilty and I am crippled with anxiety the day is riddled with holes I can not grasp it. . .
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