January 31, 2011

• Avoidant Personality Type

  Years later,  after I was an adult, Mom and I were talking.   She was telling me that at one point Daddy asked her why I was so distant,  it seemed I tended to leave a room when he came in,  or did not visit him in his room a lot when he was sick.... or would go off to my room and play by myself often...

  Avoider and Avoidant  and Bonder are not words, apparently, however, they are descriptive words here.

  She told me she explained to him that it was my way of "dealing with" his illness.  Dealing with his inevitable death.

  What she was telling him was very true.  She was explaining avoidance as a psychological defense mechanism.  In order to protect the self from emotional or mental pain (and obviously with physical pain, you would think) one, especially a child, would possibly use avoidance to do exactly that, avoid a situation where these emotions / feelings / thoughts... emerge.

  When I look I back,  I see this.   I thought I sensed "death"....  I think this may have happened with my mother too.  I actually spoke with her before she passed away about visiting the family for Thanksgiving the year she died.  It ended up with me deciding I was not going to go back and visit.

  As it turns out,  I ended being there any way for Thanksgiving with the family,  just shortly after Mom's funeral...

  As it happened,  I am terrified of flying.  Also,  the more frail she got,  I was afraid of her getting exited or upset,  or myself getting angry and possibly starting an argument, and then the leaving, it was always so hard on both of us but really hard on her,  she never fully let go of her children or allowed them to become independent adults....

  I told her I wouldn't want her to get all stressed and try to cook a huge dinner for everyone and she was insisting that she wanted to...

  she wasn't angry,  she just said that if I came home she was going to cook the huge dinner for everyone just like she used to and I had said,  well, I don't think you should do that and no one would expect you to so this decided I would not go,  and she seemed to be with well, fine then... 

  ...but if I did she was going to cook.. it was a very bizarre conversation... she wouldn't relent.... she was very calm about it, I wasn't sure how to take her, was she serious or was she "teasing"?? 

  I thought it in both our best interests for me not to go.  I thought summer is the best time to visit.
  I especially do not travel well on these travel holidays..

  on some level I think she may have actually known she would not live...  of course she was always worried, even before anything was wrong... worried about everything at all times...

  She had always complained she couldn't do what she used to,  and I would feel guilty for making her feel like she had to "emulate" the "mother" archetype and do everything,  yet she wanted badly to act that role... she couldn't have dealt with the stress... obviously that would have been a horrible horrible tragedy if I had come home and she had died during that time...

  Conversely, I wonder if I had made plans to come,  if she would have lived to Thanksgiving and I would have seen her one more time,  she wouldn't have died expecting me to come for a visit...

  I have these horrible thoughts forever... 

  I avoid people who complain constantly about the same things... in general... It becomes a broken record...

  A friend I avoided so much so that it angered him and we are no longer friends,  once told me,  and he often had stinging,  although good advice, that I  invited criticism by complaining...

  It makes a lot of sense...  My tactic is to work through and move beyond things... let go of things that "caused" my problem, and I did it with professional help.  I really feel cheated when other people do not seek professional help, yet have the same complaints...

  Over the years,  this became a good way for a loner and depressed person with social anxiety to build friendships...   over the years I realized how counterproductive it can be... to be the "good listener"..... 

  It all started in an "Interpersonal Communication" class,  I was on a city bus in Sacramento and I noticed this woman was telling me her deepest secrets, and I thought of my circle of friends, how we talked and shared our collective woes, but I would listen... 

  I would listen to my mother since childhood... she would complain and pine about the children who did not help themselves, who needed her so badly , yet lament how much it was taking a toll on her... all of my life I tried to say... to talk some sense... to just let "those people" go...

  Every individual needs to move on in order to progress.

  Uncut the tie with the people who do not improve their life, they both grow needy for you and you seem to be feeding off of this horrible dependence...

  the only way to help someone who will not help themselves is to not help them... even if you are the mother...

  I am not a mother so I will never know this conflict...

  I avoid people who intentionally have destructive behavior and do not take care of themselves.

  I avoid people who for some reason expect me to be a sounding board for all of their stresses or a therapist,  and then not able to respond...  just to listen.... I do not want to be a listener...  I don't mind being an adviser... but why did I allow myself to be seen as some type of listener or bonder for things I cannot share in,  or things I have left behind, or spent time and energy to move beyond?  

  I fell into this role in life,  the listener... the patient understander..... it is not a healthy role and it has taught me another role,  the avoider...  I do notice that I have always avoided people who cause me to feel discomfort on any level.. and I am non-confrontational, so the easiest thing to do is to avoid being "The Vessel"..

  I do this for a living as I am skilled at becoming  "The Vessel",  however,  in my personal life, and the older I get, I really notice how much I cannot be a vessel for people who do not seek out help,  personal enlightenment or improvement of personal problems,  just like I have worked so hard to do...  It just isn't fair...

  I notice things about myself,  I noticed a wave of this years ago with a specific people, early on with family members,  first the perpetrators of the unacceptable behavior, and then the people who would talk about the unacceptable behavior as if they were the victim of it,  which to me means the person should draw the line and disconnect from the person who causes pain,   as I would always do,  rather than wallow in the sorrow of both...

  Anyhow... Self preservation is a behavior that generally goes unnoticed.  I notice avoidant behavior in myself and my mother pointed it out to me at an early age.   Years of work, being guided on self analysis and self awareness was also a big help... I find moving forward is progress.... keeping one foot in the mud just doesn't work for me...
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  .What type of defense mechanism do YOU use to protect yourself from "emotional" stress or pain???
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  • 8:21 am
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