August 1, 2011

• I Did Not Go To Art Class Tonight, Why?

  A wave of uneasiness fell from the sky
  and cluttered my mind till the end of July.

  Fatigue and side effects, like fireworks
  special effects, ride me through the night.
  Incessant crawling twitches
  or heaving chest paralysis
  I cannot catch my breath
  awakened from death
  a heave and sigh
  but no relief
  no sighing
  exhale
  only

  Fish hook finger in my cheek
  who not to blame?
   Pharmaceutical companies.
  With all the drawing out
  Get the drawing out
  drew out from there
  withdrew
  have not withdrawn
  have drawn
  it will rain
  I hardly slept a wink
  what with the constant dying
  and catching my breath

  With a prescription that nobody wanted
  I found my way through the underbrush
  although scratched and bitten along the way
  but as they say
  "no longer restless and frantic"

  all I can do is wait

  I am finding myself seeking refuge again.
  Hiding from the talk of rain.
  Already bitter with art school regret.

  I am at times afraid to go out again. 
  Just like I used to be.
  What happened?
  Scared?
  Stuck?

  When this moment passes I will figure it out.
  .
  feet stuck knee deep in Pons.
  dirty white electric muck
  dirty
  kick some to the right and kick some to the left.
  wipe your feet on the broken stoney bottom of Meckel's Cave.

  causation
  causality
  magical thinking

  if two separate events appear to happen at the same time
  one does not necessarily have a relation to the other

  art class art class i could have went
  i am kicking myself 

  regret, lament....

  I did not go to art class, why?
  A brilliant inspiration came tumbling from the sky.
  With medication, rationalization
  As long as it does not hurt

  This chemical does not want me to let it go.
  Frenetic independence.
  Against social control.

  I took the
  lesser amount
  It knows and it is counting.

  Milligrams
  on a cellular level
  cannot be disguised
  from the self

  the mind and the body are one. 
  or nothing at all but

  stay home and draw
  with draw

  the conversation with the maid would go something like this:

  pen or pencil?
  quill.

  hello?

  sir?
  oh,  quill.
  with drawl?

  .nothing is meant to be understood.
  it just is.
   
   Seroquel has a mind of its own 
  with baited dirty breath I moan
  It eats my synapse
  drinks my bones
   my dendrites grasp
  with axon fingers
  neurotransmitter
   synapse drenching flood
  suck it back up
  sac
  bursting with delight
  not again tonight

  300 milligrams and my own brain is threatening to suffocate me in my sleep if I don't feed it at least that.
  .
  ..........................................
  in the work-a-day world
  I am reading this for professional reasons and find it very very interesting. I have never seen the movie and did not know the story before now.
   I will see the film this week.

  • 7:07 pm
  • 3 Comments