I spent more money than I should have on things I didn't need.

I felt I had to get out of the apartment, do something in the summer time, play and enjoy myself.

On Friday night I watched The Olympics opening ceremony and it lasted longer than I thought it would so I didn't go out which is what I was thinking I might do.

On Saturday I went to lunch and saw Prometheus but not in 3D.  It's been out for a long time I was surprised it was still out.  It was not worth the 28$ for 2 people but it was a decent movie, in spite of several flaws... I won't go into.. this isn't a movie review.

I went out with a friend for 3 beers to 3 bars and didn't stay out late, I mean I was home by 10PM... it was sad,  they were sad bars with sad people in them....

I looked in the mirror and I looked sad and not sad in the unhappy sense mind you.... 

I have aged along with those people in the bars...  I don't care to talk about it....

Yesterday I went for:  Bigelow's original mouthwash,  Lucky Tiger brand shaving lotion/cream and a new wireless mouse and mouse pad.

I went to the old  C.O. Bigelow Chemists  the oldest in America.

for their original products and Lucky Tiger brand and they don't have the mouthwash, it may have even been discontinued, but the woman at the counter was very helpful and even gave me a number and someone's name I could call to ask.... sometimes it comes back out 

...they don't carry Lucky Tiger anymore...  and the third thing I asked for they didn't have either...

So I bought some Bigelow shaving cream, some Bigelow Lime and Coriander body wash and some blue lotus soap which smells really light and fresh and clean.

I found the mouse on sale at half the normal price at Radio Shack but the mouse pads were over priced, I got a nice round one anyhow...

I went to Ricky's  looking for Lucky Tiger shaving lotion/cream and they don't have it either...

I bought 3 bars of soap, peppermint, linden and sage.

I went for one Beer on the way home where I saw I was older here, I have a pot belly.  I was home by 6PM after stopping at the grocery store and buying milk, chicken and rice, and frozen juice bars.   I ate both boxes of frozen juice bars.

I do this because I think I need to get out more and I am told this as well.  Not the eating of the juice bars, but the going out and making myself do stuff...

Today I feel bad about buying all this soap when I already have a lot of soap and I shouldn't have spent so much money.  I treated myself to over 50$ worth of soap.  Some would think that is nothing.  Some would think that is a fortune.  I feel a bit guilty because it was gratification buying...   I think... I haven't been on a shopping spree in a long time..

I feel really guilty about over spending this weekend, I also ate out at overpriced places and just basically overspent but mostly guilty about buying so much soap from France, and never having found my Lucky Tiger.

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novels like those of James Rollins.   I call them "man" books because they are adventure thrillers.  They are really exiting and so far I have read:

Amazonia

Subterranean

The Devil Colony

and now I'm nearly finished with

Ice Hunt

They aren't the best literature in the world but they flow and are a great summer read.   They are somewhat thrilling and somewhat cheesy at times. 

I don't know why I blogged about reading,  my blogs are usually introspective. 

I worry about stuff.  I often blog about what I am worried about.   

At the moment I am not worried about anything unless I stop to think about it which I don't want to do because quickly a LOT of stuff comes to mind.

I am afraid to say what I really feel.  All of my personal thoughts...  I need a new secret blog for that.

Anyhow, I usually am here to vent about something.

Other than a sea foam of anxiety, everything seems fine and dandy today.

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I'm full of anxiety this morning...   It isn't just the news... I am worried about the future... why do I fill my head with thoughts of what is and what could be?  I hate that.   Steel blue anxiety.

Something negative happened on Sunday in the subway, on the platform.  I went to a street fair and walked around and was going up the west side and got off at 72nd St. to go to Fairway and Trader Joe's and as I walked toward the stairs my eyes passed the glance of this angry young black kid and and he goes "What you looking at!" and brushed against me with his jacket, clearly trying to start something. 

I couldn't tell how old he was, he may have been a short man in his 20s or an older teen,  I wasn't sure.  I certainly hadn't noticed him and my glance was nothing more than the movement of my eyes as I turned toward the stair, caught in his gaze which cut through mine like a razor through paper.

I walked on and looked back... he was not turning around and continuing toward the open train... I hesitated... a split second,  I burned... I turned back on my way and continued up the stairs.   It stayed with me.  I turned around upstairs,  is he following me....

I went into Urban Outfitters, anger welling inside of me,  fantasies rolled through my head,   terrible name calling,  racist slurs,  angry rants,  pointing out the obviousness of his anger and distress...   These thoughts alternated between pity and empathy and understanding of oppression... then the strange ideas...

An evil spirit found a vessel.    Why does this always happen to me?  Angry spirits fly through the world seeking vulnerable people to act through....  I have been targeted before,  although luckily never injured...  but why does the arrow hit me,  the spirit pick,  the entity choose....

This stays with me all day Monday and is here this morning.   Did I cause this.   What did I do to attract this evil...  There was such hatred in his eyes, I could see he wanted to strike me down.... What was it?

What was it?

It bothers me so... 

I can blame this anxiety on this young man,  on his bitter anger and that streak,   living or inanimate,  that shot through him at me and buried itself somehow in me...

Step one:  Entity or emotion,   get it out of me.

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..with my nephew and his wife who were in NYC for a week for vacation last week.  They really lucked out on the weather front with a beautiful week between heat waves. 

  They arrived on Sunday during the last day of the heat wave so they got a taste of it but the rest of the week was perfect for New York City summer weather.  As soon as they leave, the heat is coming up again...

  On Monday I had 2 Dr. appointments so did not go to work and was able to walk them around and have lunch.  We went to Lombardi's Pizza  the first pizza parlor in the country, with an oven that has supposedly been hot for more than 100 years.

  The pizza was great and then we walked the short distance in the East Village to McSorley's Old Ale House   one of the oldest bars in the city,  1854.  They serve you 2 mugs per order and they brew their own.  This bar has a rich history and is very old looking inside,  like it was in 1854, cobwebs and all!

  Then we walked over to the West Village and they wanted to see the old buildings and architecture  and eventually ended up on Christopher Street,  and had another couple of beers at Stonewall Inn,  where gay rights began at the famous Stonewall riots in the summer of 1969,  I believe...

   They are very cool and open and have many Gay friends so they didn't mind this angle and it was the cleanest place to use the restroom in the late  afternoon in the area that I knew of..

    After that we walked down to the Hudson River and hung around a bit and then it was time to go, my hip has been bothering me and I was tired....  

   On Thursday we had a nice dinner at a local Indian restaurant after having them up to see the apartment.

    Then on Friday we really had a blast.  They made reservations for a late dinner,  10 PM,  for their anniversary and then we met them downtown for a bar crawl at our familiar places starting up at 52nds street and visiting 5 bars all the way down to 39th, where their hotel was.   

   I drank Absolute vodka all night foolishly thinking I wouldn't get really drunk or sick but it was that last bar tender,  I asked for a glass of water,  and with a shit eating grin,  he goes "Would you like some vodka for taste" and proceeded to give me a full glass of vodka, which I stupidly drank.   

   I don't remember walking them back to their hotel,  and the cab ride was me hanging on,  eyes closed, trying not to puke, and I did a tiny bit in the floor of the back of the cab,  but surprisingly I wasn't as sick and hung over like with beer. 

   No real headache to speak of and I never heaved,  just a few baby pukes in the bucket by the bed but I did spend all of Saturday in bed and did not get up except to go to the bathroom and eat some yogurt and apple sauce and drink Smartwater....  

It was a fun time and I have not really hung out with this nephew and wife before so we had a great time. 

It will be a while before I drink vodka again...
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I have not been here for a while.  Things are fine.  No more serious panic attacks that I can remember.  That last one was a doozy.   I get them,  little ones often enough... I deal...

I had my wisdom teeth removed last week , this in preparation for an upper denture for back teeth.   This was rather traumatic.  The oral surgeon broke into my sinus cavity and had to do repairs on both sides...

It is common but not something you want done.     These teeth were fine where the were but the denture would stimulate them to come down so they would have to be removed eventually, now better than later...

Aging is not something fun.

I am often bored.

It has been hot here.   The last heat wave I put the air conditioner in and stayed inside because I was off for two days so I watched webcasts for CEUs for professional development.

I've been invited to a rooftop July 4th party and I am having anxiety about it.

My therapist has cancer.

Other than that things are much the same and I am just killing time here so I need to go get ready for work...

I don't know how I feel... I don't feel bad and that is good.

Why do blogs often have to be about how I feel?  

I don't know.
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