August 9, 2012

• I Love My Sister Who Says Hurtful Things

  I have a sister whom I love very much who often says hurtful things.  Her beliefs are hurtful to me.  She doesn't believe in Gay Marriage,  or gays in the military or gays in the Boy Scouts...

  We don't openly discuss these issues.   Her beliefs come out in seemingly innocent ways,  statements that often seem benign at first yet are loaded and after thinking about it later  add to the hurt in my heart from a lifetime of self hate.

  One statement was,  I forgot the subject,  she lets her fears out,  we were talking about a war or something,  this was about the military "...oh the people they are letting in there now won't fight, they'll run." 

  ..meaning of course that Gays in the military are all cowards and will not fight...

  Sometimes I think she insults without thinking.    Me and my oldest sister agree on this.     My insulting sister will seem innocent and naive.   We don't dare discuss politics.  I can agree to disagree about politics,  she would love to argue but I won't....  Lots of people are political idiots,  my sister being one,  but her beliefs about Gay people hurt me deeply.    

  We don't, as I said, converse about it any more,  many years ago words were said,  so I know her view,  that pretty soon there won't be any more people being born because people are all "turning gay"....  "if people didn't see other gay people they wouldn't know they had the choice"... 

  that my mother may end up in hell because she loved me even though I was gay and was supportive of the gay community.

  yes she actually said that. ( mother was alive and healthy at the time this was said )

  Yes my sister is a moron, but a moron that I love...   She has no education and no basis to construct reality, so she makes it up as she goes along...    as I said,  I try not to argue, and I try to end the conversation when things get sticky...

  What I have noticed is that it starts to get sticky when she verbalizes a fear...   I think I have pinpointed the fact that she is irrational and when that talk starts coming out,  I get mega anxiety....

  My mother was a bit like this,  however my mother would sit down and listen to you and think about what the other person said and then reason and have a reasonable response.

  My sister, on the other hand, has a firm, one sided belief and does not take in any new information.   She can not think critically nor hold another perspective without judgement for analysis, so therefore when her fear starts coming out,  Obama is a socialist,   they're trying to take us over,  they're trying to take our guns away,  they are baby killers,  they are Muslim and terrorist,   it is socialized medicine....  I have to go now..

  I need to verbalize this to her,  "when you begin to express your fears to me,  I need to go because I can't listen to them"...   in a nice way...  and try not to argue with her.   I have to bite my tongue often...

  This is such a conflict... at times in the past I have thought I would cut her out of my life completely,  as the pain I feel over the conflict is so great.

  She also has been very resentful of me since I was born,  she was 8 years old and the baby of the family... she has no idea about basic human psychology so reacts to her most basic urges and still lashes out even as I said,  in subtle and cryptic ways,  often leaving me to feel hurt for weeks after our conversation...

  After Mother died I have few connections to the family,  my two sisters.  My older sister is fine, she can reason and is sensible.   My brothers do not reach out to me.    I have intense anxiety and so am unable to reach out to family,  but I wish I could.  I wish I had more contact.

  I feel alone in the world,  and hurt,  by a sister that I love.
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  • 9:04 am
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