September 10, 2001

• I hardly slept at all last night.  I guess my lights went out at about 5:30,  just a few hours before the alarm went off.  I seriously considered calling out for my job but after some coffee,  and propping my eyelids open with toothpicks,  I'm going to drag myself downtown.  Besides,  I'd just have to go later because I have a night job.

  
  

  I couldn't get Elaine out of my mind.  I thought of dying, what it must be like to lay there wondering when death will come.  I wondered if she's comfortable or has been hospitalized.   I waited for her ghost to visit.  I sat for hours smoking in the dark and watching heavy clouds blow swiftly before the stars,  and wishing upon them for her comfort when they became visible.   

  
  

  Likewise, my friend's mother is very ill and she is going through a heavy and hard time.  I wished on stars for her comfort too,  and thought about mothers and love and life and death.

  
  

  I thought it got easier after 40,  but it looks like my footsteps lead straight into the darkness.

  
  

  EEK,  the night jobs,  3 a week,  start tonight.  I've buried myself for 3 weeks,  but I'll be happy when the check comes.  I better try to start sleeping in regular patterns again.  Perhaps I need Ambian, but I hate to take any more pills...

  
  

  When I was a young boy,  I used to have a personal mantra "Life is Strife"

  
  

  Oh to be that TV boy again...

  
  

  

  • 8:27 am
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