It's not a bad feeling,  just antsy.... I have an open schedule,  something I could do at 6:30 but may or may not.

Yesterday I kind of felt this way and it was my birthday.  I decided I would take the Circle Line Cruise around the island of Manhattan, but for some reason, just didn't feel so energetic, in fact I felt weak in the legs yesterday, I was trying to force myself.  Not anxious, physically weak, I hadn't eaten but wasn't hungry, I did eat cottage cheese. 

I found myself telling myself I'd go and it was just the act of going which was most important, which I suppose is true. I went to the bus stop.  The bus took a long time.  I got weaker and hungry so went around the corner and bought a fish filet at McDonalds only to see the bus leaving as I came out.   I got the next crosstown bus.

I took the subway,  I had found the #50 crosstown bus goes west across 49th street down to Pier 83 where the Circle Line is at 42nd St.  When I got to 49th St. it was already 12:20 and the boat left at 12:30... The schedule on the bus stop said the bus only comes every 20 minutes and the next one was 12:35...

I literally missed the boat,  .... I stood around.  I sat on someone's stoop wondering what to do... I wasn't angry, there was another boat at 2PM but that was too late, I was being taken to dinner later.

I walked and stopped in a diner and had lunch and walked all the way home through Central Park, a good 2 miles or more...  then I slept until dinner. 

Today I thought of trying the boat again but also,  in my mind, I have this idea of hoards of tourists and kids and fighting crowds and long lines and that part doesn't seem appealing.  I can always take a Circle Line Cruise when there aren't so many tourists... but I don't know.

Yesterday I told myself I'd get to the pier and see what it looked like and how many people were there and even if I didn't make it I would have done that much....  I paced the apartment floor before leaving for some reason... unable to hurry,   did I not want to go?

I thought maybe I didn't want to go alone...

Should I go to the park today?  Should I Clean the apartment?  Should I rent a bicycle??? I don't know what to do and it bugs me.    I hate this feeling of half boredom and indecision and inactivity...  I kind of feel like I should be doing something outside but there is a ton of stuff in here.

There are gobs of things to list on Ebay and photograph and all that,  and I have a few packages to take to the post office.....  I am selling a ton of old shit on Ebay,  and people buy anything.. it is amazing...

Anyhow.... this is just wasting more time but I feel better getting it out.
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Living with #anxiety is hell.  All my life I have struggled with it.  Now that I am unemployed for one month  and very bored I have been practicing forcing myself to face my anxiety and leave the apartment and go into social settings.

I've got that "fight or flight" energy going on every time I think of or set out to do something that involves other people, strangers or people I know unless I know them very well. 

When I leave the apartment it happens.  I take a deep breath like I'm jumping into cold water.

Usually the door knob falls off... the old broken door in this old building... the door knob is always falling off...

For me,  going outside is going into a social setting.

I am much better as I age.  I suppose  I am an undiagnosed agoraphobic, or maybe it's in there already, I don't know,  but I used to long to shut myself in and could stay in for days and days without leaving and be so comfortable.

 Now I usually feel I need to get out once a day, even if just to walk about.  This is my rational mind.  There are still days, especially in bad weather, when I can stay in easily.

The big drawback with going to places and things is a lot of these settings are bars where alcohol is served.  Luckily I am not a big drinker, however I  down beer like water and have to be really careful because before I know it I am queasy, then sick. 

Working with my therapist,  he tells me I have to force into the anxiety,  I can't wait until I feel "good" to do stuff because it ain't gonna happen, and after a lifetime of this I should know,  however him saying that made so much sense.

This is cyclic, going through periods of self forcing practice. 

I have done this over the years from time to time both knowingly and unknowingly,  as a younger person it was really a struggle... pacing back and forth before being able to leave the apartment, always late, and rushing and not wanting to go.

I develop a 'comfort zone'  work and the store, etc... other than that,  I feel like I am in the wilds.

Now that I am not working,  and actually people have been calling me to work so I have gotten a few jobs, more than expected, and even turned one down next week because I want to do something on Labor Day without thinking of getting up early on Tuesday,  so I said no..

I forced myself to go to a support group twice,  I have been talking about doing this for well over a year, with my therapist and I just up and did it.  I will go again.

I forced myself to go out a few times and do things.  It is hard.  Yesterday I forced myself to go to a movie right in the middle of the day. 

Usually there is nothing I want to see,  and currently is no exception but there are some things out that I would not mind seeing so I saw "Premium Rush" the bicycle chase through Manhattan movie and the reason I picked that is because I saw it being filmed last year.

"Premium Rush" was good.  There were just a few people in the theater in the middle of the day, it was weird. 

I didn't have time to have lunch I wavered so and did not leave the apartment until the last possible minute,  like jumping through a hoop,  so I bought a sandwich and brought it in with me and ate it while I watched the movie.

I enjoyed watching the movie.

Several other people were alone.   These are people who go to movies in the middle of the day alone.  It was interesting.  I have only done that once or twice and probably on the weekend...

I was paranoid about eating my sandwich in there,  like someone is going to kick me out.

I think they have cameras behind the screen to watch the audience so I tried to hide eating the sandwich but I have seen other people bring in outside food although it doesn't seem like you should.

On Sunday I forced myself to go to Beer Blast at the #Stonewall Inn around 5:00 PM.  ... it was lightly attended, or I was too early...

I had one beer and didn't talk to anyone and then sat in the little park in Sheridan Square,  then walked around the village,  had a gourmet 5$ Popsicle,  sat in Father Demos Park along Sixth Avenue and watched the people and the light and the sun go down and then I went home.

On Monday I forced myself to make an appointment about my hip,  it's starting to bother me,  that was difficult, I don't know why,  I have a hard time making appointments but it felt like an accomplishment.  

Then I filled out the COBRA paperwork which gave me intense anxiety, and took it to the post office.

Then last night,  I forced myself, I mean literally FORCED myself with pounding heart to go out to a bar to play #BINGO.  

I had the wrong information and arrived 2 hours early and there was only one old man there but I actually talked to him.  He told me about another bar nearby, a piano bar that I knew of which has BINGO on Sunday afternoon which I am setting as another goal to forcing myself into going to next Sunday.

I did not win but they give you free shots.  A cross dresser sat next to me and gave me his shots and so I ended up drinking 4 beers and 6 shots which was basically a mistake.  I did not get sick but felt queasy when I got home. 

No more shots, I'll know better next time.  I'm old enough to know better already but I never do.

I was going to force myself to go bike riding or go to the park or something today when someone called and asked if I wanted to work.    I will work the afternoon. 

 I could have worked the day,  there was a text from 7AM asking if I wanted to work but since I was out drinking I missed it but being out drinking and playing BINGO was actually the best thing I could have done.  Imagine; going out as therapy.

It's funny, going to play BINGO as a prescription, like medication.

I will do this more often.  I like playing BINGO and you can actually win money.  

So I don't know if it is 'irony' I can never get the definition exactly right,  or just plain old bad luck,  but no work, then forcing myself to out drinking and playing BINGO one night, I miss a full day of work...

At least I got half a day, I'm kind of resentful at that.  I like not working,  I'll be working too much again soon enough and I can get by without it.  I have budgeted myself for this time not working but I wasn't doing anything and feel guilty for turning down work...

... especially when I don't have specific plans and know I would sit here struggling with what to do today anyway... Of course I always need more money, you never have enough, you know...

I may do a Circle Line Cruise 3 hour tour around Manhattan tomorrow, it's my birthday, I hope I don't get sea sick.  I hope I do this.  I hope I don't chicken out.

Someone is taking me to dinner for my birthday.

I have a life long history of wishing I would have done this, or could do that, and missing out on stuff and not accepting invitations and staying home in my self imposed fantasy world which has grown stale, old and boring.

Last Tuesday I went to the museum with a friend and I forced myself to go sit in the park.  Yes, I bother and fret about walking to the park to sit and read...

We are making plans to do the Tenement House Museum or City Island as well.... I should go to #Coney Island too but may not have time and I think this Friday is the last firework show at Coney Island...

After I do something, I feel successful,  like I have jumped a hurdle.  People invite me to stuff and from now on I am making it a point to go. 

I already have an invite to someone's house for their birthday in September, and it's out in #Queens... and I shake just thinking about and it causes anxiety thinking I need to go and I am planning to go.

Life with anxiety is often like walking through water,  it is constant effort...  I wish it would go away.

Forcing yourself with your hear pounding as your reaching for the door knob, or something.
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I have a sister whom I love very much who often says hurtful things.  Her beliefs are hurtful to me.  She doesn't believe in Gay Marriage,  or gays in the military or gays in the Boy Scouts...

We don't openly discuss these issues.   Her beliefs come out in seemingly innocent ways,  statements that often seem benign at first yet are loaded and after thinking about it later  add to the hurt in my heart from a lifetime of self hate.

One statement was,  I forgot the subject,  she lets her fears out,  we were talking about a war or something,  this was about the military "...oh the people they are letting in there now won't fight, they'll run." 

..meaning of course that Gays in the military are all cowards and will not fight...

Sometimes I think she insults without thinking.    Me and my oldest sister agree on this.     My insulting sister will seem innocent and naive.   We don't dare discuss politics.  I can agree to disagree about politics,  she would love to argue but I won't....  Lots of people are political idiots,  my sister being one,  but her beliefs about Gay people hurt me deeply.    

We don't, as I said, converse about it any more,  many years ago words were said,  so I know her view,  that pretty soon there won't be any more people being born because people are all "turning gay"....  "if people didn't see other gay people they wouldn't know they had the choice"... 

that my mother may end up in hell because she loved me even though I was gay and was supportive of the gay community.

yes she actually said that. ( mother was alive and healthy at the time this was said )

Yes my sister is a moron, but a moron that I love...   She has no education and no basis to construct reality, so she makes it up as she goes along...    as I said,  I try not to argue, and I try to end the conversation when things get sticky...

What I have noticed is that it starts to get sticky when she verbalizes a fear...   I think I have pinpointed the fact that she is irrational and when that talk starts coming out,  I get mega anxiety....

My mother was a bit like this,  however my mother would sit down and listen to you and think about what the other person said and then reason and have a reasonable response.

My sister, on the other hand, has a firm, one sided belief and does not take in any new information.   She can not think critically nor hold another perspective without judgement for analysis, so therefore when her fear starts coming out,  Obama is a socialist,   they're trying to take us over,  they're trying to take our guns away,  they are baby killers,  they are Muslim and terrorist,   it is socialized medicine....  I have to go now..

I need to verbalize this to her,  "when you begin to express your fears to me,  I need to go because I can't listen to them"...   in a nice way...  and try not to argue with her.   I have to bite my tongue often...

This is such a conflict... at times in the past I have thought I would cut her out of my life completely,  as the pain I feel over the conflict is so great.

She also has been very resentful of me since I was born,  she was 8 years old and the baby of the family... she has no idea about basic human psychology so reacts to her most basic urges and still lashes out even as I said,  in subtle and cryptic ways,  often leaving me to feel hurt for weeks after our conversation...

After Mother died I have few connections to the family,  my two sisters.  My older sister is fine, she can reason and is sensible.   My brothers do not reach out to me.    I have intense anxiety and so am unable to reach out to family,  but I wish I could.  I wish I had more contact.

I feel alone in the world,  and hurt,  by a sister that I love.
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The little adrenaline rushes surge in cycles through my upper body.   Like a warm blood cloak, I feel it rise in my chest, neck, head,  then warm its way down my shoulders and arms.

It comes in waves, repeatedly washing over me.  Sudden realizations burst balloons of normalcy.  Ideas rush upwards and clog my throat.  My hands feel cold and shaky.   The hair on the back of my neck stands up.

Things are better than they were at the last blog post.  I have a bit more control and see more light at a closer horizon. 

I am blessed and I know it,  just facing a scary spot.

Right this very moment they are working on the street outside and smoke from an asphalt smudge pot wafts through the room.

I think I'm handling the situational anxiety fairly well.  Knowing it,   knowing what it is and understanding what it feels like is paramount in keeping a handle on it.   I have to take special care not to allow natural defense mechanisms to numb me into depression.  

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...but I really don't want to go into details here.   Some stressful event is happening which I will survive and which could be much worse if I did not have the support systems I have.  

And here I was thinking I had no support systems...

I'm using safety nets here....  that's the scary thing....

Things should be normal in the fall,  I just have to make it through a bleak August...
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