August 30, 2012
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I Don't Know What To Do With Myself Today.
It's not a bad feeling, just antsy.... I have an open schedule, something I could do at 6:30 but may or may not.
Yesterday I kind of felt this way and it was my birthday. I decided I would take the Circle Line Cruise around the island of Manhattan, but for some reason, just didn't feel so energetic, in fact I felt weak in the legs yesterday, I was trying to force myself. Not anxious, physically weak, I hadn't eaten but wasn't hungry, I did eat cottage cheese.
I found myself telling myself I'd go and it was just the act of going which was most important, which I suppose is true. I went to the bus stop. The bus took a long time. I got weaker and hungry so went around the corner and bought a fish filet at McDonalds only to see the bus leaving as I came out. I got the next crosstown bus.
I took the subway, I had found the #50 crosstown bus goes west across 49th street down to Pier 83 where the Circle Line is at 42nd St. When I got to 49th St. it was already 12:20 and the boat left at 12:30... The schedule on the bus stop said the bus only comes every 20 minutes and the next one was 12:35...
I literally missed the boat, .... I stood around. I sat on someone's stoop wondering what to do... I wasn't angry, there was another boat at 2PM but that was too late, I was being taken to dinner later.
I walked and stopped in a diner and had lunch and walked all the way home through Central Park, a good 2 miles or more... then I slept until dinner.
Today I thought of trying the boat again but also, in my mind, I have this idea of hoards of tourists and kids and fighting crowds and long lines and that part doesn't seem appealing. I can always take a Circle Line Cruise when there aren't so many tourists... but I don't know.
Yesterday I told myself I'd get to the pier and see what it looked like and how many people were there and even if I didn't make it I would have done that much.... I paced the apartment floor before leaving for some reason... unable to hurry, did I not want to go?
I thought maybe I didn't want to go alone...
Should I go to the park today? Should I Clean the apartment? Should I rent a bicycle??? I don't know what to do and it bugs me. I hate this feeling of half boredom and indecision and inactivity... I kind of feel like I should be doing something outside but there is a ton of stuff in here.
There are gobs of things to list on Ebay and photograph and all that, and I have a few packages to take to the post office..... I am selling a ton of old shit on Ebay, and people buy anything.. it is amazing...
Anyhow.... this is just wasting more time but I feel better getting it out.
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Comments (5)
Happy Birthday. I've missed the boat a few times but never literally.
well, should I ever make it to NY, the circle tour is something I'd like to do. peace, Al
I sympathise entirely with your situation regarding going out and about. For several years I suffered from terrible panic attacks whenever I left my house. To get to work I would have to walk a certain route there and back, along which I had several bolt holes should I have needed them (I never did.) I had to make sure my mobile phone was fully charge and with enough credit to make calls in emergencies (only once.) At my worst friends who lived only round the corner would have to walk me home, to go to my local shop only yards away was something it took hours to build up to and I spent a fortune on taxi fares and food deliveries. Thank goodness there were no on-line grocery deliveries back then or I would hardly ever have had to go out at all. My lowest point was having a panic attack when watching coverage of the crowds leaving flowers in London after Princess Diana died ON TELEVISION.
It was a close friend and my doctor that broke through the problem. My friend made me go to the doctor (he is also HER GP and I often wonder whether she told him of her concerns) and after chickening out, yet again, of telling him why I was there and coming up with something inane I got up to go and he called me back and said "Now, why don't you tell me what the REAL problem is?" So I did.
Two lots of counselling (the first ok, the second absolutely wonderful) and three years of trying to avoid medication but then trying several different sorts until I found one which agreed with me and which I'm still on over 10 years later I am now back to the me I was before the panic set in.
My first Big Trip was a weekend in London, which was another turning point. My BIGGEST trip was flying to Australia for a 3 week holiday - I'd never been on an aeroplane before. It was so exciting I never even thought about panicking.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it got better. I thought I would never, ever be able to lead a normal life again but that wasn't what happened.
I truly hope your life follows a similar course to mine and I send you my best wishes for the future.
@holeinyoursoul - : wonderful comment. Thanks for sharing !
Anxiety, for me, has intensified as I get older. It could be old lady stuff and I know tiredness plays a hand in it as well. I get disappointed in myself but I do know that I will eventually accomplish what needs to be done. Only a few times have I felt as though I would not break through the inertia, feeling depressed and sad. But I have gotten through those times too. Love you P.
@holeinyoursoul -
Thank you for sharing!
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