It's not a bad feeling,  just antsy.... I have an open schedule,  something I could do at 6:30 but may or may not.

Yesterday I kind of felt this way and it was my birthday.  I decided I would take the Circle Line Cruise around the island of Manhattan, but for some reason, just didn't feel so energetic, in fact I felt weak in the legs yesterday, I was trying to force myself.  Not anxious, physically weak, I hadn't eaten but wasn't hungry, I did eat cottage cheese. 

I found myself telling myself I'd go and it was just the act of going which was most important, which I suppose is true. I went to the bus stop.  The bus took a long time.  I got weaker and hungry so went around the corner and bought a fish filet at McDonalds only to see the bus leaving as I came out.   I got the next crosstown bus.

I took the subway,  I had found the #50 crosstown bus goes west across 49th street down to Pier 83 where the Circle Line is at 42nd St.  When I got to 49th St. it was already 12:20 and the boat left at 12:30... The schedule on the bus stop said the bus only comes every 20 minutes and the next one was 12:35...

I literally missed the boat,  .... I stood around.  I sat on someone's stoop wondering what to do... I wasn't angry, there was another boat at 2PM but that was too late, I was being taken to dinner later.

I walked and stopped in a diner and had lunch and walked all the way home through Central Park, a good 2 miles or more...  then I slept until dinner. 

Today I thought of trying the boat again but also,  in my mind, I have this idea of hoards of tourists and kids and fighting crowds and long lines and that part doesn't seem appealing.  I can always take a Circle Line Cruise when there aren't so many tourists... but I don't know.

Yesterday I told myself I'd get to the pier and see what it looked like and how many people were there and even if I didn't make it I would have done that much....  I paced the apartment floor before leaving for some reason... unable to hurry,   did I not want to go?

I thought maybe I didn't want to go alone...

Should I go to the park today?  Should I Clean the apartment?  Should I rent a bicycle??? I don't know what to do and it bugs me.    I hate this feeling of half boredom and indecision and inactivity...  I kind of feel like I should be doing something outside but there is a ton of stuff in here.

There are gobs of things to list on Ebay and photograph and all that,  and I have a few packages to take to the post office.....  I am selling a ton of old shit on Ebay,  and people buy anything.. it is amazing...

Anyhow.... this is just wasting more time but I feel better getting it out.
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Living with #anxiety is hell.  All my life I have struggled with it.  Now that I am unemployed for one month  and very bored I have been practicing forcing myself to face my anxiety and leave the apartment and go into social settings.

I've got that "fight or flight" energy going on every time I think of or set out to do something that involves other people, strangers or people I know unless I know them very well. 

When I leave the apartment it happens.  I take a deep breath like I'm jumping into cold water.

Usually the door knob falls off... the old broken door in this old building... the door knob is always falling off...

For me,  going outside is going into a social setting.

I am much better as I age.  I suppose  I am an undiagnosed agoraphobic, or maybe it's in there already, I don't know,  but I used to long to shut myself in and could stay in for days and days without leaving and be so comfortable.

 Now I usually feel I need to get out once a day, even if just to walk about.  This is my rational mind.  There are still days, especially in bad weather, when I can stay in easily.

The big drawback with going to places and things is a lot of these settings are bars where alcohol is served.  Luckily I am not a big drinker, however I  down beer like water and have to be really careful because before I know it I am queasy, then sick. 

Working with my therapist,  he tells me I have to force into the anxiety,  I can't wait until I feel "good" to do stuff because it ain't gonna happen, and after a lifetime of this I should know,  however him saying that made so much sense.

This is cyclic, going through periods of self forcing practice. 

I have done this over the years from time to time both knowingly and unknowingly,  as a younger person it was really a struggle... pacing back and forth before being able to leave the apartment, always late, and rushing and not wanting to go.

I develop a 'comfort zone'  work and the store, etc... other than that,  I feel like I am in the wilds.

Now that I am not working,  and actually people have been calling me to work so I have gotten a few jobs, more than expected, and even turned one down next week because I want to do something on Labor Day without thinking of getting up early on Tuesday,  so I said no..

I forced myself to go to a support group twice,  I have been talking about doing this for well over a year, with my therapist and I just up and did it.  I will go again.

I forced myself to go out a few times and do things.  It is hard.  Yesterday I forced myself to go to a movie right in the middle of the day. 

Usually there is nothing I want to see,  and currently is no exception but there are some things out that I would not mind seeing so I saw "Premium Rush" the bicycle chase through Manhattan movie and the reason I picked that is because I saw it being filmed last year.

"Premium Rush" was good.  There were just a few people in the theater in the middle of the day, it was weird. 

I didn't have time to have lunch I wavered so and did not leave the apartment until the last possible minute,  like jumping through a hoop,  so I bought a sandwich and brought it in with me and ate it while I watched the movie.

I enjoyed watching the movie.

Several other people were alone.   These are people who go to movies in the middle of the day alone.  It was interesting.  I have only done that once or twice and probably on the weekend...

I was paranoid about eating my sandwich in there,  like someone is going to kick me out.

I think they have cameras behind the screen to watch the audience so I tried to hide eating the sandwich but I have seen other people bring in outside food although it doesn't seem like you should.

On Sunday I forced myself to go to Beer Blast at the #Stonewall Inn around 5:00 PM.  ... it was lightly attended, or I was too early...

I had one beer and didn't talk to anyone and then sat in the little park in Sheridan Square,  then walked around the village,  had a gourmet 5$ Popsicle,  sat in Father Demos Park along Sixth Avenue and watched the people and the light and the sun go down and then I went home.

On Monday I forced myself to make an appointment about my hip,  it's starting to bother me,  that was difficult, I don't know why,  I have a hard time making appointments but it felt like an accomplishment.  

Then I filled out the COBRA paperwork which gave me intense anxiety, and took it to the post office.

Then last night,  I forced myself, I mean literally FORCED myself with pounding heart to go out to a bar to play #BINGO.  

I had the wrong information and arrived 2 hours early and there was only one old man there but I actually talked to him.  He told me about another bar nearby, a piano bar that I knew of which has BINGO on Sunday afternoon which I am setting as another goal to forcing myself into going to next Sunday.

I did not win but they give you free shots.  A cross dresser sat next to me and gave me his shots and so I ended up drinking 4 beers and 6 shots which was basically a mistake.  I did not get sick but felt queasy when I got home. 

No more shots, I'll know better next time.  I'm old enough to know better already but I never do.

I was going to force myself to go bike riding or go to the park or something today when someone called and asked if I wanted to work.    I will work the afternoon. 

 I could have worked the day,  there was a text from 7AM asking if I wanted to work but since I was out drinking I missed it but being out drinking and playing BINGO was actually the best thing I could have done.  Imagine; going out as therapy.

It's funny, going to play BINGO as a prescription, like medication.

I will do this more often.  I like playing BINGO and you can actually win money.  

So I don't know if it is 'irony' I can never get the definition exactly right,  or just plain old bad luck,  but no work, then forcing myself to out drinking and playing BINGO one night, I miss a full day of work...

At least I got half a day, I'm kind of resentful at that.  I like not working,  I'll be working too much again soon enough and I can get by without it.  I have budgeted myself for this time not working but I wasn't doing anything and feel guilty for turning down work...

... especially when I don't have specific plans and know I would sit here struggling with what to do today anyway... Of course I always need more money, you never have enough, you know...

I may do a Circle Line Cruise 3 hour tour around Manhattan tomorrow, it's my birthday, I hope I don't get sea sick.  I hope I do this.  I hope I don't chicken out.

Someone is taking me to dinner for my birthday.

I have a life long history of wishing I would have done this, or could do that, and missing out on stuff and not accepting invitations and staying home in my self imposed fantasy world which has grown stale, old and boring.

Last Tuesday I went to the museum with a friend and I forced myself to go sit in the park.  Yes, I bother and fret about walking to the park to sit and read...

We are making plans to do the Tenement House Museum or City Island as well.... I should go to #Coney Island too but may not have time and I think this Friday is the last firework show at Coney Island...

After I do something, I feel successful,  like I have jumped a hurdle.  People invite me to stuff and from now on I am making it a point to go. 

I already have an invite to someone's house for their birthday in September, and it's out in #Queens... and I shake just thinking about and it causes anxiety thinking I need to go and I am planning to go.

Life with anxiety is often like walking through water,  it is constant effort...  I wish it would go away.

Forcing yourself with your hear pounding as your reaching for the door knob, or something.
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I have a sister whom I love very much who often says hurtful things.  Her beliefs are hurtful to me.  She doesn't believe in Gay Marriage,  or gays in the military or gays in the Boy Scouts...

We don't openly discuss these issues.   Her beliefs come out in seemingly innocent ways,  statements that often seem benign at first yet are loaded and after thinking about it later  add to the hurt in my heart from a lifetime of self hate.

One statement was,  I forgot the subject,  she lets her fears out,  we were talking about a war or something,  this was about the military "...oh the people they are letting in there now won't fight, they'll run." 

..meaning of course that Gays in the military are all cowards and will not fight...

Sometimes I think she insults without thinking.    Me and my oldest sister agree on this.     My insulting sister will seem innocent and naive.   We don't dare discuss politics.  I can agree to disagree about politics,  she would love to argue but I won't....  Lots of people are political idiots,  my sister being one,  but her beliefs about Gay people hurt me deeply.    

We don't, as I said, converse about it any more,  many years ago words were said,  so I know her view,  that pretty soon there won't be any more people being born because people are all "turning gay"....  "if people didn't see other gay people they wouldn't know they had the choice"... 

that my mother may end up in hell because she loved me even though I was gay and was supportive of the gay community.

yes she actually said that. ( mother was alive and healthy at the time this was said )

Yes my sister is a moron, but a moron that I love...   She has no education and no basis to construct reality, so she makes it up as she goes along...    as I said,  I try not to argue, and I try to end the conversation when things get sticky...

What I have noticed is that it starts to get sticky when she verbalizes a fear...   I think I have pinpointed the fact that she is irrational and when that talk starts coming out,  I get mega anxiety....

My mother was a bit like this,  however my mother would sit down and listen to you and think about what the other person said and then reason and have a reasonable response.

My sister, on the other hand, has a firm, one sided belief and does not take in any new information.   She can not think critically nor hold another perspective without judgement for analysis, so therefore when her fear starts coming out,  Obama is a socialist,   they're trying to take us over,  they're trying to take our guns away,  they are baby killers,  they are Muslim and terrorist,   it is socialized medicine....  I have to go now..

I need to verbalize this to her,  "when you begin to express your fears to me,  I need to go because I can't listen to them"...   in a nice way...  and try not to argue with her.   I have to bite my tongue often...

This is such a conflict... at times in the past I have thought I would cut her out of my life completely,  as the pain I feel over the conflict is so great.

She also has been very resentful of me since I was born,  she was 8 years old and the baby of the family... she has no idea about basic human psychology so reacts to her most basic urges and still lashes out even as I said,  in subtle and cryptic ways,  often leaving me to feel hurt for weeks after our conversation...

After Mother died I have few connections to the family,  my two sisters.  My older sister is fine, she can reason and is sensible.   My brothers do not reach out to me.    I have intense anxiety and so am unable to reach out to family,  but I wish I could.  I wish I had more contact.

I feel alone in the world,  and hurt,  by a sister that I love.
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The little adrenaline rushes surge in cycles through my upper body.   Like a warm blood cloak, I feel it rise in my chest, neck, head,  then warm its way down my shoulders and arms.

It comes in waves, repeatedly washing over me.  Sudden realizations burst balloons of normalcy.  Ideas rush upwards and clog my throat.  My hands feel cold and shaky.   The hair on the back of my neck stands up.

Things are better than they were at the last blog post.  I have a bit more control and see more light at a closer horizon. 

I am blessed and I know it,  just facing a scary spot.

Right this very moment they are working on the street outside and smoke from an asphalt smudge pot wafts through the room.

I think I'm handling the situational anxiety fairly well.  Knowing it,   knowing what it is and understanding what it feels like is paramount in keeping a handle on it.   I have to take special care not to allow natural defense mechanisms to numb me into depression.  

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...but I really don't want to go into details here.   Some stressful event is happening which I will survive and which could be much worse if I did not have the support systems I have.  

And here I was thinking I had no support systems...

I'm using safety nets here....  that's the scary thing....

Things should be normal in the fall,  I just have to make it through a bleak August...
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I spent more money than I should have on things I didn't need.

I felt I had to get out of the apartment, do something in the summer time, play and enjoy myself.

On Friday night I watched The Olympics opening ceremony and it lasted longer than I thought it would so I didn't go out which is what I was thinking I might do.

On Saturday I went to lunch and saw Prometheus but not in 3D.  It's been out for a long time I was surprised it was still out.  It was not worth the 28$ for 2 people but it was a decent movie, in spite of several flaws... I won't go into.. this isn't a movie review.

I went out with a friend for 3 beers to 3 bars and didn't stay out late, I mean I was home by 10PM... it was sad,  they were sad bars with sad people in them....

I looked in the mirror and I looked sad and not sad in the unhappy sense mind you.... 

I have aged along with those people in the bars...  I don't care to talk about it....

Yesterday I went for:  Bigelow's original mouthwash,  Lucky Tiger brand shaving lotion/cream and a new wireless mouse and mouse pad.

I went to the old  C.O. Bigelow Chemists  the oldest in America.

for their original products and Lucky Tiger brand and they don't have the mouthwash, it may have even been discontinued, but the woman at the counter was very helpful and even gave me a number and someone's name I could call to ask.... sometimes it comes back out 

...they don't carry Lucky Tiger anymore...  and the third thing I asked for they didn't have either...

So I bought some Bigelow shaving cream, some Bigelow Lime and Coriander body wash and some blue lotus soap which smells really light and fresh and clean.

I found the mouse on sale at half the normal price at Radio Shack but the mouse pads were over priced, I got a nice round one anyhow...

I went to Ricky's  looking for Lucky Tiger shaving lotion/cream and they don't have it either...

I bought 3 bars of soap, peppermint, linden and sage.

I went for one Beer on the way home where I saw I was older here, I have a pot belly.  I was home by 6PM after stopping at the grocery store and buying milk, chicken and rice, and frozen juice bars.   I ate both boxes of frozen juice bars.

I do this because I think I need to get out more and I am told this as well.  Not the eating of the juice bars, but the going out and making myself do stuff...

Today I feel bad about buying all this soap when I already have a lot of soap and I shouldn't have spent so much money.  I treated myself to over 50$ worth of soap.  Some would think that is nothing.  Some would think that is a fortune.  I feel a bit guilty because it was gratification buying...   I think... I haven't been on a shopping spree in a long time..

I feel really guilty about over spending this weekend, I also ate out at overpriced places and just basically overspent but mostly guilty about buying so much soap from France, and never having found my Lucky Tiger.

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novels like those of James Rollins.   I call them "man" books because they are adventure thrillers.  They are really exiting and so far I have read:

Amazonia

Subterranean

The Devil Colony

and now I'm nearly finished with

Ice Hunt

They aren't the best literature in the world but they flow and are a great summer read.   They are somewhat thrilling and somewhat cheesy at times. 

I don't know why I blogged about reading,  my blogs are usually introspective. 

I worry about stuff.  I often blog about what I am worried about.   

At the moment I am not worried about anything unless I stop to think about it which I don't want to do because quickly a LOT of stuff comes to mind.

I am afraid to say what I really feel.  All of my personal thoughts...  I need a new secret blog for that.

Anyhow, I usually am here to vent about something.

Other than a sea foam of anxiety, everything seems fine and dandy today.

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I'm full of anxiety this morning...   It isn't just the news... I am worried about the future... why do I fill my head with thoughts of what is and what could be?  I hate that.   Steel blue anxiety.

Something negative happened on Sunday in the subway, on the platform.  I went to a street fair and walked around and was going up the west side and got off at 72nd St. to go to Fairway and Trader Joe's and as I walked toward the stairs my eyes passed the glance of this angry young black kid and and he goes "What you looking at!" and brushed against me with his jacket, clearly trying to start something. 

I couldn't tell how old he was, he may have been a short man in his 20s or an older teen,  I wasn't sure.  I certainly hadn't noticed him and my glance was nothing more than the movement of my eyes as I turned toward the stair, caught in his gaze which cut through mine like a razor through paper.

I walked on and looked back... he was not turning around and continuing toward the open train... I hesitated... a split second,  I burned... I turned back on my way and continued up the stairs.   It stayed with me.  I turned around upstairs,  is he following me....

I went into Urban Outfitters, anger welling inside of me,  fantasies rolled through my head,   terrible name calling,  racist slurs,  angry rants,  pointing out the obviousness of his anger and distress...   These thoughts alternated between pity and empathy and understanding of oppression... then the strange ideas...

An evil spirit found a vessel.    Why does this always happen to me?  Angry spirits fly through the world seeking vulnerable people to act through....  I have been targeted before,  although luckily never injured...  but why does the arrow hit me,  the spirit pick,  the entity choose....

This stays with me all day Monday and is here this morning.   Did I cause this.   What did I do to attract this evil...  There was such hatred in his eyes, I could see he wanted to strike me down.... What was it?

What was it?

It bothers me so... 

I can blame this anxiety on this young man,  on his bitter anger and that streak,   living or inanimate,  that shot through him at me and buried itself somehow in me...

Step one:  Entity or emotion,   get it out of me.

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..with my nephew and his wife who were in NYC for a week for vacation last week.  They really lucked out on the weather front with a beautiful week between heat waves. 

  They arrived on Sunday during the last day of the heat wave so they got a taste of it but the rest of the week was perfect for New York City summer weather.  As soon as they leave, the heat is coming up again...

  On Monday I had 2 Dr. appointments so did not go to work and was able to walk them around and have lunch.  We went to Lombardi's Pizza  the first pizza parlor in the country, with an oven that has supposedly been hot for more than 100 years.

  The pizza was great and then we walked the short distance in the East Village to McSorley's Old Ale House   one of the oldest bars in the city,  1854.  They serve you 2 mugs per order and they brew their own.  This bar has a rich history and is very old looking inside,  like it was in 1854, cobwebs and all!

  Then we walked over to the West Village and they wanted to see the old buildings and architecture  and eventually ended up on Christopher Street,  and had another couple of beers at Stonewall Inn,  where gay rights began at the famous Stonewall riots in the summer of 1969,  I believe...

   They are very cool and open and have many Gay friends so they didn't mind this angle and it was the cleanest place to use the restroom in the late  afternoon in the area that I knew of..

    After that we walked down to the Hudson River and hung around a bit and then it was time to go, my hip has been bothering me and I was tired....  

   On Thursday we had a nice dinner at a local Indian restaurant after having them up to see the apartment.

    Then on Friday we really had a blast.  They made reservations for a late dinner,  10 PM,  for their anniversary and then we met them downtown for a bar crawl at our familiar places starting up at 52nds street and visiting 5 bars all the way down to 39th, where their hotel was.   

   I drank Absolute vodka all night foolishly thinking I wouldn't get really drunk or sick but it was that last bar tender,  I asked for a glass of water,  and with a shit eating grin,  he goes "Would you like some vodka for taste" and proceeded to give me a full glass of vodka, which I stupidly drank.   

   I don't remember walking them back to their hotel,  and the cab ride was me hanging on,  eyes closed, trying not to puke, and I did a tiny bit in the floor of the back of the cab,  but surprisingly I wasn't as sick and hung over like with beer. 

   No real headache to speak of and I never heaved,  just a few baby pukes in the bucket by the bed but I did spend all of Saturday in bed and did not get up except to go to the bathroom and eat some yogurt and apple sauce and drink Smartwater....  

It was a fun time and I have not really hung out with this nephew and wife before so we had a great time. 

It will be a while before I drink vodka again...
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I have not been here for a while.  Things are fine.  No more serious panic attacks that I can remember.  That last one was a doozy.   I get them,  little ones often enough... I deal...

I had my wisdom teeth removed last week , this in preparation for an upper denture for back teeth.   This was rather traumatic.  The oral surgeon broke into my sinus cavity and had to do repairs on both sides...

It is common but not something you want done.     These teeth were fine where the were but the denture would stimulate them to come down so they would have to be removed eventually, now better than later...

Aging is not something fun.

I am often bored.

It has been hot here.   The last heat wave I put the air conditioner in and stayed inside because I was off for two days so I watched webcasts for CEUs for professional development.

I've been invited to a rooftop July 4th party and I am having anxiety about it.

My therapist has cancer.

Other than that things are much the same and I am just killing time here so I need to go get ready for work...

I don't know how I feel... I don't feel bad and that is good.

Why do blogs often have to be about how I feel?  

I don't know.
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