"Neuro Vascular Syndrome",  said the Dr.  "Get thee to a neurologist"...

I have 3 appointments, the earliest next Tuesday.   After that,  I will decided if I want the other two.  One sees patients on Saturdays.   After the last neurologist, a quack,  i want to make sure I find one who is not ready to retire and halfway out to pasture... I want a young resident, eager to find something... I want an interested one who wants to look deeply and find a rare disease which would make them famous and hopefully I don't have it, but I want a Dr. who is really interested in looking for something.     And, they are hard to get appointments with,  they take time...

I had another headache yesterday and could not work.  I considered going to the hospital.  Needless to say that I am afraid.  I feel they will keep me even if I don't need to stay because I think that may have happened before when they thought I had Endocarditis,   yes young Dr.s,  you can have early Endocartitis growing in your blood and be walking around for a time before you actually drop, as my Dr. told me when he laughed at my suggestion.    I really admire the previous young Dr. and like him a lot but never see him as I am very shy and avoidant...  I need to get over that...  I hide from the world, I don't know why...

I wish I had more friends and talked to more people but I alienate people and isolate myself...

.....The hospital took it a bit more seriously and kept me for a week and cultured my blood,  granted I had some undiagnosed symptoms and the laughing Dr. ( a young but cute Dr. who I have forgiven) was stumped...  fevers, dizziness... yada yada... nothing grew in the blood and nobody knew what it was...

-------------------------------------------------------------

   These two painting have been visible to me all of my life.   The clown was in my baby and childhood bedroom growing up and my mother painted the other one,   it was always in the house.  We all wanted it but when she died my name was on the back of it.   I want to paint it.    I have been avoiding working on Mom's portrait.

I was to do it Sunday, hoping for a dreary rainstorm but it was nice and sunny and Mom urged me to go out.... I think I am going to start calling it/them  Momdad because it is one unit and it seems to be both but sometimes she is stronger and sometimes it is him.   They are with me.

This is the Mona Frida.  It is the Second thing that is totally finished , actually the first because it has a finish on it.  I did the Bedroom Corner first actually but it was done on the wrong surface and does not have a finish,  although I framed it this weekend...

 
    I used two colors, black and white.  I learned that shadows are never black and white is opaque.  I am not pleased with this and need to work on the tablecloth...
 

 
I like to do very quick sketches in the darkness while watching the television.   This is my desk and television while watching it one evening...  practicing with line, shadow and composition... leaving out details is helpful

Don't remember if I put this up yet.... Jazz,  practice painting an object with one color and white... then I improvised to music...

Jewels,  unfinished... playing with color...

Did I say at least I registered at the Art Student's League and started a college application and have official transcripts transferred from California to CUNY/SUNY??   At least I am doing baby steps... I haven't filed taxes and got a letter from the IRS....   they always owe me money I don't why,  this was for 2009, I haven't filed in 2 years... it gives me anxiety,  I do it every 2 to 3 years so I don't lose money.  I have extra taken out so I never owe...

I am a bit disorganized so need to add mild confusion to my list of symptoms,  actually started typing a list of symptoms just because I feel confused, to give to the new neurologist.... LOL, NEWrologist...

When I am in pain,  I take whatever I can to make me sleep,  last night I took sudafed and benedryl and slept the night this after sleeping through most of yesterday... I still feel tired,  but light and nonchalant...

When I am in anxiety or physical pain,  the Pain Bunny is most helpful,  he and my Guardian Brangel.

Would you spell that "Braingel" or "Brangel"   because they both have deep meaning.   Brane for Membrane as in "Membrane Theory"/ M Theory in physics...  and Brain as in your Brain pain...

.

Isn't really reading anything...
.
Should I begin "31 Bond Street" or another Michio Kaku book?

What are you  doing these days???
.
.
 

..so early in the morning,  now that I have given up Facebook as breakfast.

Yesterday my status update was "less Facebook, more painting"...

I have taken up quiet contemplating and drawing or painting, and meditation with my morning coffee instead of FB.  Blabbering and sharing news items is just a waste of time as is reading other's blabs and interests.  I have family and distant friends there so I will interact,  but not at the start of my day.  This may be a portable device in transit type of interacting and after work thing.   That is probably better.   I should also start doing yoga and stretching and exercising in the morning again,  now that the sun is coming back to life...

Neither will I watch the morning news.   

This morning I came to three important conclusions... I need to really understand the mediums one by one...

I have been using acrylics and afraid to touch oil,  only having done one.  I want to finish or at least work on Mom's portrait most of Mother's day.    Linda suggested that I just do more than one so although I was saving this for oil,  I may do it in acrylics... I need to make clearer decisions about things...

I discovered The Art Students League of NYC and I will be begin taking some courses.

I started a college application that I have been putting off... yes I am going to school again,   what else is there to do?

I will now go start my day.

May we all continue to be blessed and have a wonderful day.
.
.

My Father passed on 4/29/1974,  Mom 11/11/06..   They seem very very close to me these days..  Sometimes it is scary but mostly comforting..

I just did this, from one of those tiny photo booths pics from the State Fair.  Part of Mom's face is torn off of the pic, I was just going to do Daddy but this evolved...
..  I don't know where the other 3 of those photo booth pix are, I just found this today while looking for something else....

I am nearly finished with La Santa Maria de Sub Rosa,  my very first oil painting.  Mother is going to be my second.  Mother was to be my first but I was afraid to try...  This is what I have done so far today:

  

I am pleased with my Maria.  I am not so pleased with Mom but there is a still a lot of work yet...

    This was my first painting, the day after the first headache and I got the idea to become an artist overnight and heard my dead artist mother talking to me and saying not to let fear of making mistakes hold me back , she was wrong about all that after all.....  she knows it now...

Intense eyeball/sinus/one sided headaches...

I had them for a week solid.  They always came on at night.  Always on the right side... Crackling in my ear... Water? no dry crackling. A bug? I hope not.  A whisker or hair lodged against my eardrum? possibly. 

Eyeball headache. Sinus?  Advil,  Tylenol PM,  Hydrocodone,  Benedryl (crushed up x2 in hot water for sleeping and loss of consciousness)...

Finally tried a Sudafed and it worked like magic.  Last week.

The first week every night.  Then last week tapering off. 

Last night I almost went to the ER but decided to die in bed and meet my maker and find out the truth about quantum physics and my belief that the 'afterlife' lies at the subatomic level... where I may meet my maker and my parents...

 I'm curious... I am leaving nothing in this life unfinished. I feel totally fulfilled and at the top of what can be.   I have no bucket list.  Moving to Manhattan was a life long goal,  so was getting my name published, it is,  in a tiny way, but it is, more than once, as is my photograph and I have had my 5 or 6 minutes of fame... I long for no more...

The most astounding thing is the amount of artwork and color that I have done over the past 2 weeks.  I am afraid to upload anymore on Flickr because I need to change my copyrights to more protective as my work is now 'creative commons' and people can freely use my work without profit... it has happened more and more so i need to start protecting my stuff.

I hate the fact that Flickr is trying to get us all to submit everything to Getty Images,  this will allow more photographs to sell however,  Getty will own them exclusively.

My one photo that sold to Disney for $300 was for a one time use only and I retain all rights... Getty is a thief.

If I start putting original paintings up without seeing if I have any talent or showing them to someone who knows anything about art to see if I should continue in this vein, people could take my work and expose it elsewhere.  I don't want that.  I think I have some type of artistic talent but I don't know.

I feel mother is really prodding me on OR working THRU me... it is so weird. He is more work that i won't put on Flickr yet.

The beginning of the first week I worked on sketching and drawing.  I have always sketched and drawn.  I was in a black and white world before, not understanding color.

Last night, during the pain , I was with the pain in my right hemisphere,  I understood that this was why I was feeling pain,  I was in the present moment.  I thought my left  brain wanted numbers and lines and shapes...

All of a sudden I see the world as broken up into distinct colors, lines and shapes.  I see lines of people's glasses,  the line of someone juxtaposed against a background... I see details where I never saw them before.

I felt my mother talking to me, working thru me,  teaching me...

Then I was so afraid but  got acrylics and a color wheel... only have used the primarys and black and white so far, blending my own color, it is coming out as I can foresee it...  I see all colors in other colors and see the mix of color in objects...  I never noticed this before.

I was so afraid to try oil,  mother was prodding me on with oil,  the second week I got oil and I just decided to do a religious icon and named her La Maria Sub Rosa and feel she has a secret...  Anyhoo... I am still working on all these and these are my best... I have several more, I draw and sketch incessantly.  Sometimes it makes the pain duller.... I got some books and an easel and a kit to teach me the difference between transparent color and opaque colors and to understand how one recedes and one comes forward in a painting.  I need this for Maria Sub Rosa,  Her shawl had no depth.  I don't like her hair....
.

  
   

 

        

THE EYE OF SPADES.    ... You kind of wonder why anybody in their right mind would draw The Pointed Card out of a deck...
.
.
.